Ok so I have come to suspect that what I am missing in my life is the monkey. Without her I am not bringing the energy and the joy into my life and marriage that allows my H to bring himself out of hiding. I am not saying that I can get away without talking to him and I am not saying that some hard truths aren't important here. However, I'm sick of myself and my steadfastness in the face of H's inaction and I'm sick of my lack of experimentation in the face of his steadfastness. If, in fact, he "loves me" and "thinks I'm gorgeous" then there is no reason to keep the monkey caged is there??
I have been contemplating my resistance to "the Secret" that Dave brought up. I found it hokey and lacking in original thought. Why? Why am I so resistant to the power of positive thought and positive intention? Why do I think it has been "done to death"???
Then I found a website http://www.cherylrichardson.com that had "touch of grace link" - try it, you'll find it interesting. Anyway, I contemplated my "problem" (lack of sex life) and then clicked on a "star" which gave me this word to contemplate - "devotion". How devoted to my H and my marriage can I possibly be if I am on here b*tching up a storm day after day for the last couple of years? Granted, devotion is more about the cow than any of the other animals but perhaps it is devotion that gives the monkey permission to be michevious????
Anyway, I am contemplating discontinuing my anti-H, boo hoo, poor me diatribe. What is really left to say about our histories or day to day sexlessness anyway and instead journal about the following: my internal sexiness at a given time, H's reaction positive/negative or neutral, my external sexiness at a given time and H's reaction. It is time to experiment with him, with myself and with my R. If monkey antics and straightforward honesty cause him to run scared - oh well.
I just feel done crying in my beer and I still may go back on all of this, fall back into old ways, fail to talk with H, fail to be positive. Who knows but it is time to loosen my grip on what I think is me, what I think is H and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe the monkey will just dump the bag of chips and stomp all over them..............................
Lest you all think I'm crazy remember there is freedom when you have let go of the results.
Karen
Internal sexiness: 4 External sexiness: 4
H out of town so probably no reaction unless there is a phone call/email.
