Need Advice!

[elocin777]

Had to start new thread because I think everyone gave up on me I am really worried about S10 and just want so advice of anyone with kids around same age.
Ok I just went off on H and I know I am not suppose to but I am just so mad at him for what he is doing to our children. I got a note today from the school guidance counselor that they want me to give S10's teacher permission to talk to our counselor about Ben. So obviously things are getting worse not better, but you think they would contact me. Anyway I told him I hope he was happy and that this is all worth it despites his children's happiness. When I told him about the note it was as if it was no bid deal. It sent me over the edge! I don't get it! His only words were I am sorry for what you and the kids feel. Bull**** if he was sorry he would have tried to keep his family together. That is our responsibilty as parents--I didn't give up, he did. Why would they want to talk to our counselor?
Even though I am mad and that is why I said those things-he is going to say that I am trying to put a guilt trip on him. I feel so helpless! What can I do for S10? He does not open up as easily as S13. I try and talk to him but he doesn't say anything.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I wish I could help here, but I haven't been through this. All can can say is to let the school help, it sounds like they want to. And give lots of hugs!

((((((Nicole)))))
(((((S10)))))

[elocin777]

Yea but that worries me because sometimes things get out of hand with school counselors. I am just really worried about him--tonight he handed me letter which he opened(wasn't suppose to) and went to bed. Normally I get a kiss and we say prayers but he did none of that. I am so concerned about him, and I feel so helpless. I just want to knock some sense into H but at this point I don't think it would help. It is like talking to a wall. I don't get it. My children's happiness will always come before mine, not that my happiness is not as important but it is my job as a parent to give them the security and love to make them feel happy. And right now I feel like I have let them down.

Thanks (((((((((((((JEFF))))))))))))))
You are always right there!

[AmyC]

How much of your time is spent really talking with and interacting with your children? How much of your anger at your husband do they see, hear, feel? What could you be doing to comfort them instead of going over and screwing him? How much of your daily focus is on him instead of on them? How much of YOUR life is about HIM?

I'm playing devil's advocate here because it is very easy at this stage to just do the bare minimum for the kids because it so hard just to survive yourself. You have your red flag and that is a wake-up call. You can't put it off on your husband because right now, he is worthless to you and the kids because he is acting like one himself. So you do it. You just do it. You cut out all the bullsh*t in your life, trim the fat, take out the trash, get rid of the riff-raff, whatever the case may be. You stop everything that isn't about the kids and ya'll getting through this TOGETHER (YOU AND THEM) and you stop it now. Blaming your husband, even though justified, isn't going to help your boy.

This is your proving ground.

What are you going to do, Mom?

[elocin777]

That is what I want to know? What can I do differently? I try and talk with him, he sleeps in my bed since the day H left, I take him to counseling, he is in that program in school but things seem to be getting worse for him. I do not talk about H in bad way around them, one conversation was over heard when I thought S10 was sleeping but I talked my way out of that saying I misunderstood something with H. S13 just opens up and tells me his feelings and what he needs from me--S10 barely opens up to counselor. That FISH program at school I asked what they do and he says he is not allowed to tell me. Which I am not thrilled about, there should be no secrets between child and parent. The only thing I can think of is privacy issues with the other families. I just feel so helpless--I want to make things better for him but I don't know how. I am hoping this new place will be better because alot of his friends live in the development but I am so concerned because he is more like H's family and depression runs in his family. I will not be sneaking out to H's at night anymore when kids are home because that is totally selfish and irresponsible that is a promise to myself. So I know right now my attention is needed to be on my kids I just need to know how to approach it with S10.

[AmyC]

I think just your presence and you letting him know that he can talk to you about ANYTHING he feels, even if he's mad at you (which can actually be the case - because it's safe to be mad at you, you didn't leave him), will be a good start. Let him know you will not leave him no matter what. He is probably very insecure. And as much as it kills you, try to play down Daddy's absence. This is the suckiest part of all this crap...

Anyway, when you see the counselor, try not to be defensive.
It's natural to feel that way I think, but try not to.

It sounds like S10 is involved in some good things already.
He is probably one of those kids that takes everything in and processes it internally. My son is that way and it's not necessarily a bad thing as long as his needs to feel secure and loved unconditionally are met by his primary parent, which is you.

Above all else, pray.

[elocin777]

Thanks Amy-I am going to our C today and plan on talking to the guidance counselor and S10's teacher today. I will let you know how everything goes. Beleivew me I do pray everyday-faith has what has gotten me this far, along with this board. Thanks for advice, I definitely need it and for now my focus will be on my boys. Have a great day everyone:)

[w8ing]

Elocin - Amy offers good advice.

Stop focusing on your anger towards H and start focusing on your kids. Being angry at him won't help your son, and as a side note - it won't help you either. We are in similar situations - I have kids the same age as you except I have girls. My D11 is doing well. My D14 is struggling. Every night, when I tuck her in, I lay with her and let her talk. Mostly it is just about school and friends, etc. But sometimes she will let me "in" on what is going on in her head about H. I don't force it, but I give her the opportunity to discuss it every night. It is safe for her, we are in the dark, I can't see her, etc. It seems to work.

I never refer to H as your dad to them. I never bad mouth him and I won't have discussions/arguments or whatever in front on them, and I co-parent with him. For example, homework wasn't getting done when they were with him, so I called a meeting with all of us and H and I talked to the girls about how this was going to change. I didn't ask H about the meeting - I told him about it.

Not good DBing, I know. But when it comes to DBing - it goes out the window when it comes to the kids. Many here may disagree with me, but my first responsibility now is to my kids.

I have also asked both of my Ds if they want to talk to someone. They both said no. I watch them closely and I know D14's triggers. And I usually try to avoid them, or deal with it head on.

I don't know if this helps, but it seems to be working for us.

Good Luck.

Love them lots!

[Maya44]

Nicole,

Do you think it would help if S13 would kinda talk to S10. Are they close like that? I'm thinking this b/c maybe since they're close in age and both males, S10 might feel more comfortable. S10 knows you're hurting as well and doesn't want to hurt your feelings even more. D (7) would tell me that in the beginning too....I can't tell you because you'll cry/get more sad/etc. The FISH program at school is probably NOT confidential to where S10 can't tell you. D tells me what they do in RAINBOWS all the time. She doesn't say what the other kids say, but just that she gets to talk and say things. Maybe S10 just doesn't want to tell you what he's saying? Could you talk to the FISH teacher and see how he's doing in there, if he's talking and opening up?

[JennyF]

Nicole,
I am currently reading a book that has been an immense help to me with regards to my kids.
It is called "Good Parenting Through your Divorce" by Mary Ellen Hannibal. I really recommend it as I believe it would be VERY helpful in your sitch. I try to pretend it doesnt have the "D" word on the front!

I too am struggling with how wrong it is for myr H to do this to our kids. But since I can't change that, my job is to make them feel as safe and loved as I can given these circumstances. Amy gave you excellent advice.

Again, I think this book could really help you understand what your S is going through and how best handle it.
J~