how are you doing today? I know its confusing. but you know what, do whatever you do on your own timetable. you are not obligated to rush anything because its what your H wants. if he wants to move out, let him. if you want him to, ask him to. if you don't know what you want, start there...figure out how to realize what you do want (and yes, I keep saying it, but IC will help you with that one). the hardest thing for me on this journey was quieting down and learning how to listen to my own heart, learning what I want.
for me, I don't think I could have done that with H still in the house. the roller coaster was too much in my face...there was no escape from it. and even when he was gone, it took me a really really long time to detach. okay, it might not seem like that long, about 6 or 7 months, but it seemed to take forever.
personally, I refused to do anything like filing until it felt right for me to do. did I condone what my h was doing? nope. but at the same time, I refused flat out to do something unless it was right for me. so I didn't file. at the same time, I was not going to live with him going out/lying/being with another woman. I tried to do that for a while, it didn't work for me. in fact, it was destroying me.
back in october when I realized he was really living with her and it all just felt hopeless (but before he asked for a D) I went to the boston db meet. I was talking with all the great people who came and said to them I didn't know what i was waiting for, maybe it was time to just bite the bullet and end things. and they all said the same thing...what will that paper (divorce agreement) do for me? how will it change things for me? when I could answer that it would make things in my life better, or that I was really ready for it, then go for it. but until then, why the rush? they weren't trying to discourage me, just make me think, make me get in touch with myself on the matter.
I will not D because its what I should do. I will not do it because I'm angry. I will do it when/if it is right to do it.
maybe H will get there first. He's made motions in that direction. and he's also backed off a bit. that might be panic on his part, I don't know. but to me, it just has to be right in order to go that route.
okay, this is long and I've probably said this stuff over and over. I guess what I'm really trying to say is take some time, listen to yourself, take H out of the equation (whether he is in the house or not). get in touch with LWB again. you are an amazing woman, get to know her again. silence all the noise around you, all the crap H keeps sending your way. make yourself your focus. after all, the only thing in this world you have control over is yourself...stop trying to control anything else. I promise, if you can do that, it will all fall into place. I won't guarantee what the outcome will be, I will just say that the confusion will fade away and clarity will come.
Last edited by SallyM; 01/30/0802:48 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
