All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

your thread is getting into the meat of many marital issues. Our own part in our pain is terribly frightening but in a way, should not be. Because if there is something in US that caused our pain, or at least contributed to the negative situation, thank GOD that is one thing we CAN control. Make sense? So fear not and dig deep. You will benefit no matter what.

Your h comments about the vacation reminds me of my h's behavior a few years back when his "MLC" was peaking. ( "MLC" or whatever...well sometimes I think the "MLC" is just a nicer label than "Selfish/immature".

But your h also complained about the burden of another man's children in the home, despite knowing ahead of time that you were a package deal...that sucks. Really he is the lucky one because the biological father lost out big time and your h was so damn fortunate to have had daughters in his life. If he only weren't blind by the self inflicted burdens of his lifestyle, he might be able to see the forest instead of the trees. How dare he complain about the girls, and never notice YOUR burdens? Your workload? Who does he think raised the kids? Sorry but he sounds very selfish and maybe it's a phase. I think F. Scott Fitzgerald said "Every man deserves to be an ass, once in his life." Maybe he meant MLC's..

On the other hand, your first h, (bio father of the girls) did skip out on the girls and barely sees them, correct? It IS a bit odd that your 2nd h is also the type to place child rearing low on his priority list. Why is that? Is it merely a byproduct of being a workaholic? Is it what you were looking for? Sometimes those things go hand in hand. My h was a workaholic. He is not one right now. But that could change. He is evolving, sometimes too slowly for me and sometimes I recall things he did that STILL bug the crap out of me. But maybe, maybe, that's just MY problem and i have to own it, and not "share' it with him because it is rarely productive.

NEWS FLASH on my end, not to hijack the thread, but to mention, is my MIL suddenly developed dramatic personality changes, acted drunk, fell, etc. and this started 3 weeks ago. She is on the other side of the country, and turns out she has a brain tumor. Today H took our d10 to go back east before her surgery Thursday. It is ultimately a fatal brain tumor, but the time line could literally be weeks, or years. Ironically, my BIL (sister's h, who is British, fyi) also has a brain tumor and is having surgery the day after my mil! (What are the odds?).

So, I'm alone here in the arctic, working on a trial that should end soon. I'm also mentally waiting for the call to know when to come. Regardless, I'll visit in weeks, unless I have to go earlier... This will be a big tough thing for H to deal with. He is a physician and yet, she may not be saved. He can't "fix" this. I lost my dad a decade ago and it was a BIG deal for me. I went to therapy and took meds for 6 months. I believe this will be the hardest experience of h's life and unfortunately, it coincides with a tremendous need for us to leave this place and for him to find a job in the continental US...What a drag.

I guess The question is what OUR role, as supportive spouses is, in these circumstances? Did anything like that happen with your h? Has he had any triggering events, or is it all a series of small things piling up on him, at least, in his mind?

It always struck me as convenient and idiotic when men would feel trapped and unduly burdened by the birth of a child, or stepchild they knew about before M. Hello? Who goes through pregnancy and delivers, and God knows, who gets up at all hours of the night for the newborn? I mean, h helped some, but I'm talking 10%. Ummm, nope, I don't see the "trap" that children are to their fathers. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. They're the best things I've got in my life.
But H's career did not change an iota when we had children. MINE did, a lot. I wouldn't trade the choices I made, but it was really different than H's experience.

Was your H happy at the births of the boys? When did your H Seem to be happiest to you? What changed? Just food for thought.
j-