Ok, here is what I read.... Cool things down with OW....means you keep her as plan B? Is that fair to her? Is that fair to W? Is that fair to your kids?
If you want to save your marriage, contact with OW should stop. Completely stop. IF she can't understand that that is necessary to save your marriage, think about what that says about both of you.
While you are thinking about what you need to be happy in your marriage, I would suggest spending as much time thinking about what your W needs to be happy in your marriage. Because I don't think she has been getting it either. Then work together, quite possibly with some counseling, quite possibly a lot of it. From the tiny bit of your story I know, I think there are a lot of issues that need to be resolved. If you can't do counseling, there are people here that may be able to lead you through. This is going to take a while, it isn't a two week fix.
So, what do you really want? I don't think you have come close to really examining that question. Think on it a while. Don't shoot from the hip, or say what you think people want to hear.
