Will I be here?

[Beth 83]

Thank you Thank you THANK YOU! ALL!

Meeting w/ H went well. I actually had a great session w/ my counselor beforehand. She validated my feelings and said that she thinks it is good for me to get my own place before i start thinking about filing for divorce (if H doesn't initiate it first). She thinks that way I'm on solid ground, for myself, rather than shaking ground. That is exactly how I feel.

Night was good. We went to dinner and went to a movie. Talked about selling the house and our steps. No other talk about OR.

One thing: H had on his wedding ring. I haven't been wearing mine since September. This is a thing that was very important to me. Throughout H affair, I know he took it on and off and I had called it out to him. It was a big thing after I found out about the affair that he kept it on when we were going to counseling in July and August. But after we stopped going to counseling and I found out H was still w/ OW, lying to me and our counselor about not seeing her, I stopped wearing my ring. This was a big step for me because it was a step of me acknowledging our committment had been broken and the ring wasn't meant to be put on and off at a whim. If we are to recommit, I will put it back on, but I'm not going to just put it back on when I see him.

I know that the ring this is very different for most. But, this was what it meant to me and what I felt was important. Before the meeting today, I did (for a minute) think about putting it on for our meeting, but remembered why I took it off in the first place--because the commitment was broken. To be completely honest, him wearing his just shows to me that he is still so confused (no way is he wearing it w/ OW. I bet he put it on when he is with his parents and takes it off with her). The ring is not a joke to me. I think it is a bold statement for him to see me have it off b/c he knows how committed I am and that I don't take this lightly and for me to have it off means that I'm taking this all very seriously. Needless to say, there is a part of me that thinks I should be wearing it all the time right now (out of guilt). But, as my C says, I have nothing to be guilty about. It is a symbol of our committment (and I've said, if we recommit, I want some sort of symbolism again).

I may just change my mind on this next time I see him, but it felt good not having it on (I hold the power of myself and what I mean to me)

Regardless of all that, it was a really good night and I felt good.

Will talk more tomorrow.