Engagement

[SolidMechanic]

But this is the question I have been asking. Does she know that the counselor appointment is THE step you are looking for versus the sex issues?

Please stop and read carefully. If my wife does not call a counselor, I will not divorce her. It is not a deal breaker. If she does call a counselor, it does not save our marriage. And I have made it clear that I am no longer willing to tolerate not having a sex life with her, so she knows that getting counseling is just a means to an end, and not an end in itself.

In your last two posts, you keep implying that I have invested the entire weight of our marriage on her calling a marriage counselor. This is not true, and I am sorry if I conveyed that in my posts.

What I am looking for is for my wife to take some initiative in solving our marital problems. She has never done that. Setting up an appointment with a counselor is just one way she can do that. Last week she gave me a foot massage. That was great, not just because it felt good, but because it was her idea. It was a tangible recognition on her part that she is capable of, and interested in meeting my needs, or in working to save the marriage. I can think of all sorts of things she could do. If she asked me for ideas, I would eagerly discuss them with her. In the past, she would say, "Well what can I do?" I would suggest things and she would shoot everything down. After a while I came to realize that her question was rhetorical. She wasn't really asking for helpful suggestions. She was implying that there really was nothing she could do.

Her attitude this time around is different. And my approach is different too. Like I said, I'm brimming with ideas if we can get together in a spirit of mutual problem solving. Or, if she is afraid to come to me, we can use a counselor as a resource. I am just beginning to see signs of her willingness to work on things, for the first time in our marriage. But I am not going to push her. I am not her boss. I am her partner. If she won't own her half of the marriage, it will go out of business.

Just out of curiosity, how relieved would you be if she just simply ignores the counseling and your requests so you can just go through with the divorce feeling like you gave her a chance and she didn't take advantage of the chance?

I would not be relieved at all. How could I be relieved at the prospect of divorcing and dividing my family? Do you think that is easy for me? I don't want that, but I am ready to make that choice if I have to. Relief is not part of the equation.

What does it mean when someone says they want to do something, but then they don't actually do it?
I completely understand those that say it is a clear sign that someone doesn't want to do it. Especially if the person is the type that seems to have a problem with ever saying no.

The passive aggressive angle. That comes into play sometimes, but maybe not in this case. I have plenty of my own aversions. I know what it is like to find my subconscious overruling my conscious intent so that I end up doing something I shouldn't do or avoiding doing something that I know I should.

However I happen to be a woman that may say I want to do something, really do want to do it (if I don't want to do something, I have no trouble saying no) but don't immediately do it IF I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired, afraid, unsure, etc. By no means is this an excuse. It simply is what it is with me. (Feel sorry for Raven!!)

I appreciate that.

SM