On the topic, I think that though you started out hoping to save the marriage, and therefore have been working on divorcebusting, there can come a time when you realize that divorce is the better option for your health and well-being. At that time, there is no reason to continue with actions aimed at divorcebusting. At that point taking action to divorce a husband who causes you pain is the only healthy and reasonable course to take.
I think you are confused, not about the detaching, but about what you want. If you want this marriage, you stand for it. If you don't want it, speed things along. Love comes in many forms - loving your H could be letting him go. Loving him could be telling him that you're not going to let him go.
I agree with you - you need space. Maybe you could shake things up at home a bit by redecorating your bedroom or rearranging the furniture. I know it's a badaid on a gushing wound, but I think you need to start taking control of something. I feel like you are hanging back waiting for H to call all the shots. If you make a decision and own it - YOU will feel better. You don't need his blessing to decide if you are going to stand or not. If the decision is you are going to stand, then you're going to have to endure H's craziness and irradicate behavior, all the while knowing that YOU have made the decision to stand becuase you want to - and while you wait it out, you GAL - really GAL. Meet new people, change your life, take a trip, take a class, rearrange the furniture - do anything to spice up YOUR life sans H. Take a page out of NikB's book - omg that woman has turned her life upside down, and continues to do so on a daily basis and feels all the better for it.
LWB your are doing amazing! You are FANTASTIC!!!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
saffie and sara (both with successes) say to be open with him, but DB says detach
I don't know Sara's full story but I am willing to bet that like Saffie, she didn't follow DB'ing to the letter and all the way through (I could be wrong so no yelling at me for presumption).
I am no longer DB'ing full time either. I have taken what I can from Michelle's literature and I make use of the info on a daily basis. I do not base all of my decisions and actions on what she advises.
In my mind DB'ing to us, the ones suffering infidelity of some kind, is the rebuilding of our true selves. In addition there are techniques we can employ to get our spouses to take notice of us again. I think that we reach a certain point where we recognize mistakes in our behavior in the past and once again have built up our esteem and confidence, we no longer rely solely on what we've learned through reading. We begin to rely on our NEW gut instinct.
I'm sure this isn't the most helpful post but I want you to feel comfortable with stepping outside of the DB framework from time to time. I have done it with mixed, or at least undetermined, results.
In the end, LWB, be true to yourself. You have grown, as we all have. Take some time to look at the new you and ask yourself what you want.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
You are correct, I did not DB. I had bought and read the book a couple of years before, but had forgotten it when the crisis came. i flew by the seat of my pants, and I did what felt right to me. That was to meet his force with equal force. It was when we nearly came to blows that we both saw the wisdom of allowing someone else to direct us, and we went to Retrouvaille. They taught us to be open and communicate. But it was equal -- we both did it. Not one person, and the other got to continue with unacceptable behavior.
I came to this board several months later when I was haunted by memories of his affair. One thing I have learned from 6 months on this board is that there are no hard and fast rules. what works for one person is absolutely wrong for another. Some people DB for years and get nowhere. Others do it and are successful. And still others confront and speed the divorce along, scaring the spouse with the reality of what they say they want, and get a good result. And some realize after a long time that they would never accept the cheating spouse back again.
So my advice to LWB is to do what feels right and fair to her. I have been impressed for a long time by how well-grounded she is. I know that she will make the choices that are the best for her. If that works out to be right for her husband too, fabulous. But if not, then my hope is that she will go on to find a new and better love and have a happy life.
I have been impressed for a long time by how well-grounded she is.
If you met her in person, you would be even more impressed. She is very well grounded and strong. Her and I sat at lunch talking about her H and my X and OWs without a tear in either of our eyes...a lot of women could not do that. Other people in the restaurant would never have known that both of our lives have been turned upside down.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Thank you guys so much. And Hope, you are so sweet. I never thought about it that way. To other people, we probably look like 2 girls, not a care in the world, enjoying a lunch together. Little do they know that we only know each other because of the biggest crisis in our lives...
I am grateful to have met you though. Can't wait to lunch and be all grounded and strong right along with ya on Thursday...then have a few drinks right along with ya on Saturday.... MWAH!
Saturday will definitely work and we will have fun, but lunch is not looking so good....my deadline is fast approaching. I'm just leaving work now...ugh! I'll let you know tomorrow about Thursday.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
