You are correct, I did not DB. I had bought and read the book a couple of years before, but had forgotten it when the crisis came. i flew by the seat of my pants, and I did what felt right to me. That was to meet his force with equal force. It was when we nearly came to blows that we both saw the wisdom of allowing someone else to direct us, and we went to Retrouvaille. They taught us to be open and communicate. But it was equal -- we both did it. Not one person, and the other got to continue with unacceptable behavior.
I came to this board several months later when I was haunted by memories of his affair. One thing I have learned from 6 months on this board is that there are no hard and fast rules. what works for one person is absolutely wrong for another. Some people DB for years and get nowhere. Others do it and are successful. And still others confront and speed the divorce along, scaring the spouse with the reality of what they say they want, and get a good result. And some realize after a long time that they would never accept the cheating spouse back again.
So my advice to LWB is to do what feels right and fair to her. I have been impressed for a long time by how well-grounded she is. I know that she will make the choices that are the best for her. If that works out to be right for her husband too, fabulous. But if not, then my hope is that she will go on to find a new and better love and have a happy life.
