true. But think the opposite, how many women that have problems with desire can actually BE in a PM. By the definitions of PM from the book, I'm not sure that a women with LD can even be IN a PM, it requires the physical desire of your spouse.
Gee they are YOUR statistics. And even believing your assumptions that 100% of the 15% of HD women are in the 20% PMs (meaning I guess that there are no single HD women out there) that still leaves room for the women with desire issues to be in 5% of the PM marriages. Did you see that???
Since I have no idea where the 85% number comes from or how the issues with desire is defined, I cannot really debate the point. I will mention that I think an HD person can still have "problems" with desire at times. Plus I find it odd to only have 2 categories of women - LD and HD. I'm not LD but I'm not sure that I would consider myself HD necessarily either. I don't have any hang-ups (that I know of:)) and I've always enjoyed sex but I'm not necessarily dying for it everyday. I do enjoy physical touch even if I don't feel "up" for sex. I will "turn down" sex at times even though I do desire my H (just feel exhausted, etc.). So where does that place me??
I think that labeling someone as an LD person is probably the worst thing you can do for opening up the door to a better relationship. It defines your wife in such a negative way that it would be very difficult to see any positive behavior in her because you are only looking for the negative.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
"I think that labeling someone as an LD person is probably the worst thing you can do for opening up the door to a better relationship. It defines your wife in such a negative way that it would be very difficult to see any positive behavior in her because you are only looking for the negative."
Fearless - I couldn't have said that better myself. I don't think I was LD until my H began the verbal/emotional abuse. Now we are polarized. Now, we are both trying to move forward. Realistically, I know I need to get there on my own because he just can't seem to give me what I need to sustain my desire. But...I'd settle for "wanting" it again - just being together - wanting that touch.
I think that labeling someone as an LD person is probably the worst thing you can do for opening up the door to a better relationship. It defines your wife in such a negative way that it would be very difficult to see any positive behavior in her because you are only looking for the negative.
{Head nodding in agreement}
Cemar, I haven't followed you or been around here enough to know your whole deal but it almost seems to me that you are searching for 'stuff' to justify how things are in your relationship...statistics, an HD vs LD mentality. Maybe I'm wrong, I just get that sense from you that..."My wife is the LD enemy and I'm going to find whatever I can to support my HD view." Like I said, I haven't followed you closely but from what I HAVE read, to me it's as though you are unable to see, understand, and accept things from an LD POV.
Ok..back to my lovely hospital lunch. {Oh yummy...lime jello with pineapple chunks...again }
A little jello is good for the soul. Doesn't it say that somewhere? Or maybe 85% of the people said that. Or was it 15%? Glad you are hanging in there. Cemar enjoys looking at things from his standpoint since as long as he sticks to it he doesn't have to change a thing NOR cop to his own failures and inadequacies.
On "Everything is great but the sex" Can this be true? Well, no, probably not. Everything can certainly be good, functional, even simply better than what most of my friends or family has in their marriage DESPITE the sexual issues. Would getting the sexual issues fixed help everything else ?? I believe so. Unlike many on this forum I have something far worse to compare my current R issues with. I have an exH who was essentially non-functional as an adult. Together we had so many areas of our life that were non-functional that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt IT COULD BE MUCH WORSE, even seriously unhappy. So, my description of my marriage as basically happy, being good partners and good friends is true. My H doesn't always hold up his end perfectly and neither do I. He failed me with the car accident and he failed to support me much during this last pregnancy, emotionally. But he DID take over a lot of the parts necessary to keep our home running, bills paid, kids growing up and doing well in school and life etc.... So, maybe I asked too much. Maybe he is having problems that have nothing to do directly with the R but they are affecting the R - like depression. That would affect his ability to support me emotionally and affect him sexually. Would things be better if he could communicate better and quit making me guess - SURE. I have never said that everything is perfect but the sex, I have never said that he was my soulmate sent directly from God except for the sex, I simply have asserted that we have a good, functional relationship with shared values, give and take, enough to sustain things at a level that is too good to just dump in the dumpster. KWIM??? When you have had the reality of a very unhappy marriage you don't throw away a decent one very easily.
Unlike many on this forum I have something far worse to compare my current R issues with. I have an exH who was essentially non-functional as an adult. Together we had so many areas of our life that were non-functional that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt IT COULD BE MUCH WORSE, even seriously unhappy. So, my description of my marriage as basically happy, being good partners and good friends is true. My H doesn't always hold up his end perfectly and neither do I. He failed me with the car accident and he failed to support me much during this last pregnancy, emotionally. But he DID take over a lot of the parts necessary to keep our home running, bills paid, kids growing up and doing well in school and life etc.... So, maybe I asked too much. Maybe he is having problems that have nothing to do directly with the R but they are affecting the R - like depression. That would affect his ability to support me emotionally and affect him sexually. Would things be better if he could communicate better and quit making me guess - SURE. I have never said that everything is perfect but the sex, I have never said that he was my soulmate sent directly from God except for the sex, I simply have asserted that we have a good, functional relationship with shared values, give and take, enough to sustain things at a level that is too good to just dump in the dumpster. KWIM??? When you have had the reality of a very unhappy marriage you don't throw away a decent one very easily.
Karen,
I just had to repost this quote because you really are an amazing woman. I hope your H has a huge appreciation for you because he should. The fact that you are still able to see him as more than just the man that does not have sex with you is incredible. I can't help but think after the past few years that in your H's case there is something significantly "wrong" and I'm really hoping that some day (SOON!) he can face it. He's lucky because I cannot imagine he could have a better partner for figuring it out.
Here's hoping that you two have a great weekend away together. (in February??)
Good Luck
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Everything is great BETWEEN US except the sex." Can THAT be true?
I used to try and fool myself into thinking this was true (and so did H I think). But the lack of sex eventually hurt all the other parts of our M. And now that the sex is so much better, the other parts of our M are even better than before. Karen just made the comment that if you fix the sex issues, the rest will fall into place as well. I think this may be true. Sex is not the cherry on top of the cake but more like the foundation of a house. Took us a while to figure that one out.
There are days that I would nuke my whole life for a sexual thrill. This forum is part of what keeps me from doing it. I appreciate your positive spin on what is essentially "settling". The problem with me is that I can never truly settle - the same part of me that my HD comes from has a need to "stir the pot" and so I will never truly settle. I would be cheated if I did. After all he did marry me - sexual, emotional and all that and NOT a namby pamby "everything is just dreamy" kinda gal. Since I know what it means to have a truly fcuked up M I just appreciate the good guy that H is. Yeah - I think there is something wrong. Funny thing is that I'm beginning to think it may just be good 'ol depression and performance anxiety. What if it were??? These things can certainly be helped.
Oh yeah - I DO think that sex is the foundation that defines marriage from friendship. I DO think that lots of the other goodies from life flow easily from a happy sexual union and are more difficult from an unhappy one. It can still "work" but it is harder. Good intentions just get lost when people aren't getting any. We are sexual creatures, created for sexual relationships. Period.
Oh yeah - I DO think that sex is the foundation that defines marriage from friendship. I DO think that lots of the other goodies from life flow easily from a happy sexual union and are more difficult from an unhappy one. It can still "work" but it is harder. Good intentions just get lost when people aren't getting any. We are sexual creatures, created for sexual relationships. Period.
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