By "emotional distance" I don't mean hiding in your emotional corner and alternately pouting and taking pot shots. I mean emotional distance just like in that Khahil Gibran poem that everyone reads at weddings "Let there be space in your togetherness" or something like that. Your H's behavior is screaming at you,"I will not be controlled by you and your poor self image", "I will do what I want about sex when I want", "I am my own person". You are forcing him into a corner what with all the "soulmate" and "he's PERFECT BUT.....". Let him be imperfect. You be imperfect. Be sexual with him without pre-ordained expectation and for Gawds sake without babying him sexually. All that sex therapy bull crap of "do this then move slowly to that" is fine IF he is on board, if he is initiating this to work through his issues. If it is you leading and Mommying him through. It won't work. I don't mean to seem harsh but I just kinda get the sense that you have heaped expectations on him that are about more than just being spouses/parents and lovers and he is resisting that.
Karen
Nah, I don't think you're being harsh at all! Just to the point, which I love! I don't baby him. He's completely on board to get this fixed, just takes time from both of us. Yes, I used to have heaping expectations (before I knew what the real issue was behind it all), and that pushed him away. I know it might seem like I'm babing him, I can get where you see that. If I don't motivate him/us to change, then it never will. He'd hate the fact that we're not lovers, but not do much to change it. I'm sure you've met those people who hate their jobs, but all they do is complain about it, and not much to change it - well, he's like that when it comes to our sex life. He'll complain about what's going on, but when it comes to working towards a solution, he freezes. So that's when we work together (with my persistance) to try and figure it out. I've tried just laying low, and did that for about 2 years before I realized that he wasn't doing anything to change the situation - he was just complaining about it. So w/out me kind of pushing him to work together to change the issue, he wouldn't change a thing. So, not babying, but helping. At least that's what I think I'm doing. Do you see it differently? I could be blind, which is why I love this board! I being blunt and "harsh" is necessary for me to hear! I don't care if I'm wrong in any way, I just want it fixed, so if hearing that I'm doing it all wrong is what's going to fix it - then tell away!!!
Oh, and trust me, we are both extremely imperfect, which is what makes him perfect in my eyes. Our relationship is never going to be "perfect", which is why I love being in it. Perfect is boring!!!
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
