LS, first of all stop judging yourself. You are the way you are and feel the way you feel for good reasons. You aren't some pathologically warped person. You are a normal person having normal reactions to a specific situation. Every time you start to have judgmental thoughts about yourself, just stop. Repeat something over to yourself like "I love myself as I am" or "I am my own best friend" over and over and over again. Block the destructive thoughts-- they do not help you.
Sweetheart, you are beating up on yourself mercilessly. Would you treat a little scared girl the way you are treating yourself?
One of the reasons you allow your H to treat you badly is because somewhere in you you feel you deserve it. Byron Katie (that's her site I referred you to) put it very interestingly to a woman whose husband was physically abusing her: "Why do you beat yourself up using your husband's fists to do it?" This may sound over the top to you or like "blaming the victim," but consider this: "Why do you verbally abuse yourself, using your husband's words?" Honey, YOU are verbally abusing YOURSELF, and the first thing you must do is decide once and for all that you deserve to be treated with infinite love and kindness, from yourself as well as from others.
I got a lot out of a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"-- my bf never called me names, but he can be so rude and abrasive-- tell your H when he gets angry, "I won't be in the same room with you when you talk to me like that" and then you must leave the room. Have standards for how you want to be treated.
Re the sex issue, you asked:
Quote:
I think this is all helping me. I never really voiced why I couldn't do these things before. I wonder if it would help to ask him not to touch me if I want to do something for him? Or would that feel like a rejection or something worse to him?
Ask him. If you're going to get anywhere, you both have to be able to speak up. This may be too big a step right now. But you have a right to be touched or not whenever and however you want or not.
Don't write off counseling after only two! He11, I've been to many (I'm 59 years old)-- and all are not created equal! But a great one can be wonderful. If you don't like the counselor, find someone else. I've NEVER had a counselor insist on talking to my partner. That's fairly unusual in my experience. If you got two bad haircuts, would you stop going to the hairdresser? To me therapy was a sometimes a very private experience, and I did not want to share my therapist with my partner.
Once I remember, my then-bf came to pick me up after my therapy appointment. The bf was hanging around outside because I knew he wanted to meet the therapist. As the therapist and I were walking out the door, I had the thought, "This therapist is MINE. I don't want to share yet." I said as much to the therapist, who promptly stepped back into the house. You'll know when you have the right therapist when you feel that this person is 100% on your side unconditionally and without compromise. I've had a few of those and they were godsends. So, my dear, your experience of therapy is pretty limited at this point, so please don't write it off, okay?
YOU are your own best friend. Whatever happens to any other person in your life, YOU must take care of YOU. As the great Jewish philosopher Hillel said, "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?"
Of course, he said right after that, "If I am ONLY for myself, what am I?"
