Engagement

[SolidMechanic]

To be clear: The little PHONE CALL is the most important thing to you right now???

If she wants to go to a counselor, she should contact a counselor. What does it mean when someone says they want to do something, but then they don't actually do it?

Calling a counselor is not that big, in my mind. It is a single step. "A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." It is a step she said she wanted to take. I don't think it is asking too much to actually look to her to take that step herself. I'm not going to try to fix our problems by myself anymore. I don't think it's healthy for our marriage for me to be the only one holding the rope. We are both responsible for this mess and we both need to take action to fix it. So far, it has been 99% me.

It's possible that she's confused about that because I know I am a bit. I thought figuring her sexuality out would be the most important thing.

I don't know, is it? A counselor might say that first we need to learn how to communicate. Maybe my wife needs to learn how to forgive me for past sins, before she can open up to me sexually. All of these things are fundamentally for her to figure out. If I do everything to set up counseling, won't she get the feeling that I'm trying to change her? Or that I'm trying to fix her? Because I'm not. She is who she is. She may be able to change, but she needs to find the resources necessary to do so.

I'm really not trying to be hard on you

OK, thanks for telling me because you are doing a pretty good imitation of someone who is trying to be hard on somebody else. [;*}

I'm just trying to give an outsider's POV and at least to me I would not understand that the phone call was every bit if not MORE important to you than the sexual issues so I just wonder if your wife knows this.

OK, here is an insider's view point. We have had no sex in 10 years. Which is easier, having sex after not having any in 10 years, or making a phone call? She made a phone call just last week, so I think that is easier. It seems like we are so far from having a sex life, that it is not even on the horizon. Frankly, after so many years, I will be surprised if we ever have sex again. So you see, right now, I making a phone call to set up a counselor as a small, achievable milestone, and having sex with my wife as science fiction.

Didn't you say your wife was a bit flirtatious with you and rubbing your feet? Didn't she act "better" when you talked about being aroused? Didn't she apologize for being testy toward you?

Absolutely! The increase in physical responsiveness and emotional intimacy is a vast improvement and a great sign. I don't know how The Phone Call took on such great importance in this forum. Personally, I think counseling is secondary. We are taking small, concrete steps to improve our relationship without having to talk about it.

I just wonder if those are active signs too that MIGHT be being ignored because now you are focused on the "one little phone call" as THE sign that making your marriage a success is important to her. She MIGHT be thinking that she is focusing her energy on the "right" problem and it would turn out that the phone call is the bigger issue.

Just wondering...

I am not ignoring these steps at all. But almost all of the steps were initiated by me. She has gone from stonewalling me to being a good follower. Although it's progress, it's still not the actions of someone who wants to save her marriage.

And I'm not focussed on the "one little phone call." That's what everyone else seems to be most focussed on. I asked her about it twice in two weeks. FWIW, she can email the counselor.

SM