Without a connection/bond - a spark, a feeling of intimacy, closeness - the idea of giving even a bj or hj is very, very difficult. I have to force myself. I think part of the problem is the years of frustration and resentment that have piled up about feeling misunderstood and a failure.
I felt that too. I didn't feel that I could be sexual at all if I wasn't feeling that connection. But that was when I viewed sex as mostly something for him, something that he wanted. I'm not even sure why I saw it that way because I did enjoy it. And I was fortunate that cac was always very attentive to me during sex. But still, I thought I needed that connection FIRST. Maybe it was because deep down I just didn't think it was OK to be sexual.
LS, reading posts by the "HD" women here helped me see that not only is it OK to be sexual, it's healthy, and it's the way we are *supposed* to be, men AND women. Reading the posts of the men whose wives don't want sex remind me what I don't want to be. We are born sexual beings. Unfortunately many of us are programmed to believe we are not or should not be. I don't believe that women or men are born LD, I believe that we are *made* LD.
I really understand what you're saying, because I've been there. Keep posting, keep reading, keep talking to your H. Don't tolerate his abusive behavior (leave the room if he starts in -- Lil, what was that great line you came up with last year when we were discussing this?)
Also, have you considered individual counseling? You have so much going on with the illnesses in your family and your marriage troubles that it might help to talk to someone. It has really helped me sort out my issues.
