Happy belated Bday Tostada.....I am keepin V day open in case W invites me for supper or we have a special family dinner...I will not initiate nor buy her anything.
I need some sort of strategy. Some sort of change. I think one of her big complaints seems to be we didnt communicate very well. So if I go dark, very dark, doesnt this validate this idea?
I have lost all hope right now. I dont think she has a good reason to leave me. She doesnt have a good enough reason to not try. But....she wont even let herself consider it. She's out to proove something.
It's hard to totally drop the rope...were in the same house together and we have kids. No idea what to do if she's completely unwilling.
I am in the same boat my friend. I don't have any more answers then you. I will say that I don't think either of us have any choice but to drop the rope.
Tostada- I just read your thread and I have a totally different perspective maybe because I am a woman going through some of the same stuff. I think your FIL is right and she is going through a MLC. You said she has been drinking and up until a few weeks ago she was out partying like she was 20, right? She is about to turn 40, she feels old and unattractive no matter what you say to her. She even told you that she liked the attention from other guys, this is why. She knows you love her and because of that you think she is attractive, but when other men say it or give her attention, she takes it to heart because they just see her outside. She wants to be desired. Men go through their MLC at 50ish, women by their 40s....have you heard the phrase men get more distinguished with age? Older men trade us in for younger versions. Women just get old. That is probably how she is feeling. Don't laugh, but I went through one when I turned 30, bought the sports car, partied like I was still in college, etc...I am scared to death of 40 :)...
Regarding Valentine's day, and this is advice for all of you guys, do something...it doesn't have to be big, but acknowledge the holiday and that you still love them. If you have an anniversary, acknowledge that too, it shows that the day meant something special to you. Just because she didn't acknowledge your birthday doesn't mean you can't be the bigger person and acknowledge her's.
One thing I wanted to mention...she kept arguing with you before and you didn't argue back, and it got worse. When you went to dinner and talked things got better because she got attention from you (probably why she wanted to do it away from the house). I don't think she wanted you to fight her, but fight for her, and since you didn't she most likely felt like you didn't care. Like I said earlier, she wants to feel desired, loved, etc.
This is just my take...it is some of things I pulled to get my H off his a** and show me he cared. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Good luck!
B.
ME 34 H 33 Married 02/11/2006 1st bomb- 06/05/2006 final 01/07/2008
Thanks BAW..I totally agree with you. You are spot on.
When we spend time together and I am able to show attention that she will pay attention to, we are much better. Problem is she has totally given up, quit.
I know she is enjoying the attention of these guys at work, even though they are creeps..in her own words. She did tell me one of them emailed her stuff that he would do to her sexually. It obviously caught her attention and fits right in to what you are talking about. Youre right, she wont accept my attention anymore. Includes telling her she looks nice, she's beautiful, she smells nice, etc. She doesnt want to hear that from me anymore. One thing that came up in our dinner was how bad all my 'gifts' were over the years. She brought up a bunch of them. She didnt bring up what I got her for xmas because that hit the spot. It was emotional for her, she wanted to keep it. Sad thing is she rejected it and I took it back. Bummer.
We grinded out some R talk today. The issue is we have this hearing coming up in which one of us is going to be forced out of our house, most likely me. I have been trying to get her to drop the hearing and experience us for awhile. We have talked so much over the past couple months, I know the issues. She says I wont listen to her. But the only issue she wants me to hear is for me to leave. I explained the issues I have heard, explained them today. Helping out more around the house, appreciating her, giving her attention, having more fun, taking charge of the schedule, etc. To me, all these are fixable. I would just like the opportunity to put some effort towards these. I know I was an idiot in the past for taking much of this for granted, I just want a second chance to show what I am capapble of. Its not personality change, its just effort change.
So..here we are on a race to a Divorce. I know she will realize what she is doing, but which will come first? Her deal is she cant be married to me because she is not in love. She says our M has been bad for a long, long time. I take great offense to that, because that is impossible. It may have not been great for 1 year, but not years. She wouldnt have stuck with me this long (16yrs) if it was so awful.
How do I show her attention that she will accept? Valentines Day...why would she accept anything from me on this day?
Keep showing her that you think she is beautiful. Don't go completely overboard, but you telling her every once in a while will do. Eventually she is going to start thinking that you really mean it because you are still saying it even though she is trying to be a b**** and doing all of this.
Your marriage wasn't awful, just the last few months because the tension made it that way. You could have been the perfect H and she would still find a way to justify what she is doing...don't let her saying that get to you. As for the hearing, it is just a little step in the divorce process....if you do end up leaving the house, she will start missing you. Right now you are around so she isn't getting the chance. You are in the house right now and in the back of her mind she knows it and it is comforting, but a couple of days after you are gone, she won't have that anymore. I am not saying move out, by all means fight it, but take comfort knowing she will miss you, she just doesn't know it yet.
As for Valentine's Day, I think what would get to her most is if you got whatever you got for her for Xmas (a necklace right?) and put a note on it saying something to the fact of- "I bought this because I knew it would look beautiful on you (brings out your eyes, etc)I bought it for you out of love, and I would really like for you to have it no matter what happens between us." This hits four points home to her..she is beautiful, you think of her, you love her, and that you will still care about her no matter what happens. Just get a single red rose, the gift with the note and put it somewhere that she will see it when she gets up. You will be giving her the attention she was looking for...it won't make everything better, but it will show her that you can be romantic, and women LOVE that. I don't remember the words exactly, but you know the song by Kenny Rogers, where the wife wanted little phone calls for no reason, a rose just because...(sorry I can hear the music but not the words in my head lol), that is what women want.
Sorry for all the advice for Valentines Day, most of the men at work come to me for suggestions, so I am use to doing it.
Hope this helps!
B
ME 34 H 33 Married 02/11/2006 1st bomb- 06/05/2006 final 01/07/2008
