I know the feeling of being very sad and lonely. I have it easier than you as I'm still at the house, but it is an empty house at times, even when we are both home.
I'm glad you were able to boost your spirits this morning. I also think you should pursue seeing if you cna get that drawbridge lowered and go play in the snow with your kids. You'd have a blast and so would they. Your W may also welcome the break as she was expecting them to head to school on their regular routine.
Remember, the worst thing the W can do is tell you "No" and you're in the same place as you are now. I don't see how it can hurt to ask, especially if you are prepared for rejection and are able to let it roll off your back if it comes.
Go for it and make yourself happy today, regardless of her answer.
I'm wishing you luck and sending you whatever positive vibes I can muster.
I understand your being hesitant. You've got to go with what you feel is best given your situation. However, she's going to feel and do whatever she feels and wants regardless of what you do.
Best of luck to you. I hope you have a great and positive day regardless of whether you are able to spend it with your kids or not.
I can't imagine the pain you have in being away from your children. Hang in there and be strong today.
OK, I know he made that speech and uttered those words in the context of a global war. Still, I love the man's principle.
I don't mean that all marriages are worth saving. What I mean is a great effort is sometimes wanted, and saving my marriage is one of those times.
I can do this. I can stand. And I will preserve my heart and smile as I do so. The marriage might not last but I will stand anyway! Because that's who I am.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I'm sorry yesteday was rough for you. Hang in there, my friend. I'm keeping tabs on you and I hope today was better.
I agree that we may not save our marriages, but how can we live with ourselves if we don't try everything at our disposal?
I put the Churchill quote up behind my desk so I can see it every day. It works very well in a history classroom.
Unfortunately, I think we all have to be willing to go through Hell to save our marriages. Conventional wisdom in society is telling us to run right now because things are too tough, too painful, and too bleak. The world wants to know why we are still trying?
If we give up and give in like the mainstream wants us to do, we lose. We lose ourselves, our dignity, our hope, our dreams. We've given up instead of fighting to the end, even if that end isn't what we want.
I've always told people that if I was attacked I'd fight rather than just lay down and be killed. I may go down, but I'd go down swinging.
That is what we are doing and yes, you can do it, SPM! You are strong. You are worthy of this effort. You can prevail and you will not compromise in doing this.
Keep fighting. Keep going. Keep DBing. You will always have support from all of us here in the community.
SPM -- Sorry I didn't comment on your kids snow day yesterday.
I'm proud of you for taking the chance to offer to help with the kids on their snow day especially since you were unsure of what response you'd get.
However, remember the DB book says we are completely correct in contacting our partners when it deals with our kids' well-being. So good for you for making contact.
I'm sorry she shut you down and I agree that you don't deserve to be shut out of their lives. Don't ever let anyone tell you different because regardless of what happens in your marriage, you are always entitled to be a father to your children.
Hang in there! Keep fighting -- NEVER GIVE IN -- and remember you are worth it and you can and will get through your Hell. Keep going and don't turn back now.
RTL, thanks for the kind words of encouragement. The past 2 days have been solid for me.
Last night I saw my girls - went out for dessert. We giggled and sillied our way through the evening. When I brought them back to W, at a community church, the girls were still all happysilly. W wasn't ready to leave, so the girls and I hugged and played and frolicked for a while. And the boys, too. W just stood there, observing. I observed too, that she looked pretty good! She dressed up, first time in about a month that I have seen her looking good. I make sure that every time I see her I look good - shined shoes, nice shirt, hair done, big smile, shaved and cologne. But the past several times I have seen her she has looked a bit ragged, worn out, tired. not last night though. She made an effort.
I gave W some money. For 12 years my paycheck has been direct-deposited into a joint account. Three weeks ago, I changed it to go to an account only I have access to. Now she is out of money. Keep in mind that for the 5 months I've been out of the house, she has spent all of my income, and I have spent none. I've been living on borrowed funds. Anyway, that changed 3 weeks ago. Now she is worried about money! Surprise! Reality bites! Anyway I gave her some money.
Earlier in the day she had sent me an email with a line in it from her attorney, apparently something she had cut-n-pasted and inadvertently left in:
Originally Posted By: bloodsucker
Also tell him you are not okay for money and you need $_______ (whatever you really need/think is reasonable/think he will hand over).
Yes, it had the blank in it, and everything. I hate being on the other end of this. I told her, "Don't squeeze me, W." I explained what she left in her email. She was apologetic. I wonder if she sees what this attorney is doing.
So anyway I gave her some cash. These days I make her sign a receipt, because she has been soooo wacky. This way she cannot come back later and say I have not given her money, she cannot say I have abandoned my family.
This morning there was a thankyou/boohoo email from her. Thank you for the money. and then 3 paragraphs of how hard things are, how she is all alone, and not sleeping at night, and so on.
I have not yet responded. I am totally sympathetic, though most of these problems are direct results of her choices. She has no friends left because she abandoned them all. She has no family to rely on because of her decisions and behavior. She has no money because she locked out her provider. I am still thinking about the response.
I see this as yet another opportunity to express empathy, to be her friend, to be kind and understanding, but without trying to save her.
I think my response is going to be along the lines of Wow, that sounds really difficult. But I know this is what you really want. We'll get through this and you'll be happier on the other side.
One day at a time.
I don't know where this will lead but whatever happens, I am glad that reality is beginning to creep into our lives.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I'm stoked that you had a great couple of days. It is also great to hear that your W may be coming around a bit.
She dressed up for you, eh? Nice! It also seems as if the line from the lawyer about squeezing you was left in on purpose. She may not have consciously left it in, but she most likely wanted you to see it.
Her showing remorse and sadness is a good sign. I also like your plan to respond, but be sure you aren't too confrontational or you know she'll be livid.
Keep going and I'm looking forward to hearing how your response to her boo-hoo e-mail was received.
I agree SPM, keep us posted on how you respond. My W has upon occassion made similar statements to which I typically do not respond and she sometimes comes back with admission that she put herself in this position and will get herself out.
The getting separate bank accounts after 12 years having a combined account was a very sad day in my life.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
