Okay - I'm listening to you guys and I'm trying to learn.

PF - it is not fun being the one with the power and control. I don't want it!!! I honestly want my H to take some of it back. We are going to try taking turns intiating. I gave him first whack almost a week ago and he hasn't taken me up on it yet. Why? Now I'm starting to get tense about the whole thing, so I'm going to try and talk to him soon to try and see what's going on in his head. Part of what makes me feel desire is feeling DESIRED - and if he never initiates then I don't.

Lou - "I'm afraid of starting something I can't finish. I wish I was wired so I could just do something for him, but I'm not. I need to feel that bond.
Yes, I want to know what you are thinking. Explain this in more detail."

This will be good for me as I feel tense from your question! I feel that I am always under a microscope and being examined as to what is wrong with me. So...here it goes.

Without a connection/bond - a spark, a feeling of intimacy, closeness - the idea of giving even a bj or hj is very, very difficult. I have to force myself. I think part of the problem is the years of frustration and resentment that have piled up about feeling misunderstood and a failure. I'll tell you the other problem - if I do these things then he wants to touch me...and if I'm not feeling the bond then I do not want to be touched. So in order to avoid touch I don't want, I don't touch him.

I am a very private, shy person. I came here to try and find ways past my inhibitions and aversions that have evolved through years of failure and verbal scars. My H is not a bad person. I would tell you that most of the time he is a tremendous person.

I think this is all helping me. I never really voiced why I couldn't do these things before. I wonder if it would help to ask him not to touch me if I want to do something for him? Or would that feel like a rejection or something worse to him?

I have great stress, but I think there is always stress in this day and age. I think we need to find ways to help each other get through it.