I'm afraid of starting something I can't finish. I wish I was wired so I could just do something for him, but I'm not. I need to feel that bond.
I felt like this too. I was talking about this last year on a thread with Cobra, in fact.
I always felt I had a very tenuous grasp on my desire. It felt fleeting. I might be feeling it and flirt with cac earlier in the evening and then by bedtime it (my desire) had evaporated and there he was expecting by my earlier actions that we were going to have sex. And now I either had to let him down or try to make myself feel desire. And that made me feel anxious and that did nothing for my desire. I guess rather than owning my sexuality/desire, it owned me, keeping me hostage.
I can't say for sure how things changed because I still don't quite get it myself. Maybe I just stopped thinking of myself as a hopeless LD woman and started seeing myself as more sexual. I started feeling more sexy. I also had the good fortune of taking off the rest of the baby weight right around this time. Something shifted in me and I started feeling differently. I realized that I was in charge of my sexuality and I had to nurture it. cac could tell me 7 days a week how sexy I was and it didn't matter if I didn't think I was. Maybe I even thought I was to him, but I just didn't *feel* it. I didn't own it. Now, after 22 years, an extra 20 lbs, wrinkles, post-baby body and all, I feel sexier than I did was 20. I sure had the goods then but I didn't own them. I didn't even know what to do with them.
