SM, do you think she wants to work on the marriage? Maybe when you said you wanted things to improve, she suggested counseling because her experience with it before told her that a) it was pretty easy and she didn't have to confront anything she didn't want to, b) it didn't really make any difference in your marriage. [speculating now] IOW she didn't have to move outside her comfort zone. So she suggested counseling not because she thought it would help but just to get you off her back.
That's a pretty dark speculation, and I try not to succumb to that kind of negative suspicious thinking. I am trying to extend an assumption of good will to her. I am also trying to depersonalize the issues somewhat. I don't believe our nonexistent sex life is something she is doing to hurt me intentionally.
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SM, I feel you're taking adversarial stance with me. Is that my imagination? I'm on your side. (I know, I know, there are no "sides"-- but I'm on yours anyway.)
Thanks, Lil, I know you are on my side. And my wife's side, too.
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This is why I think "everything is great except the sex" cannot be true (unless both people aren't interested in sex). If one party is seriously dissatisfied and the other party acts like it doesn't matter one bit, THAT is a significant barrier to intimacy, friendship, love, trust, etc.
One thing that is disconcerting to me is that counselors tend to act on the assumption that sexual desire will reappear when all other relationship issues are dealt with. I think it is possible to do everything right and still come up empty in the bedroom.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
