Well I've had a lovely birthday and its not over yet. Feel very loved by family and friends, but not so much by H!
H did send me a text message to wish me a happy and fun birthday.
My initial reaction was, anger, and stuff him! I thought him and his text message to be rather pathetic. I almost didn't respond at all....... but thought I should at least acknowledge it because if he was just an old friend then that is what I would do. So I sent back "thanks!". And I'm still angry and I think I deserve a million times better than the way he has treated me, and today I would just like to meet someone new and start afresh.
I don't want any contact with him for a long time, unless he is making a serious effort (which is highly unlikely), so I cant see this ever working out.
The way I see it is if I was moving on and getting over him, I would be doing exactly the same thing as I am doing by DB. So what's the difference. If he hasn't dealt with this MLC crap I just dont think I want to wait around.....
Sorry this sounds so negative... if someone can say something encouraging I would appreciate it.
Ok, here is a little thing you reminded me of. My H moved out on Nov 17-19. On Nov 21st it was my nameday (we celebrate namedays big time here in Greece). You can imagine in what state I was in. Late in the afternoon I get a phonecall from him to wish me well etc. etc. I was driving, I think that the last thing he heard from me was "I wish you were dead, I wish I had never met you, how dare you call me to wish me well...". I had not started DBng yet, 4 weeks later I was a completely different person...
Later that evening I was talking to my brother. He told me "no matter what he did it was a lose-lose situation for him". And he was right. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. etc ( I have a good one about this also, 9 Dec was our 7 years anniversary) are awkward. It's good to have your family and friends around you, they (our Hs) shouldn't have the power to ruin these days for us.
I don't know if I can be encouraging. I know how you feel. I am questioning myself a lot through this process. I think that's natural. I've decided I will try to get myself together, start feeling good, looking good again, detach my happiness from him, keep the door open as long as I feel like it, but if I get to a point I really do not want to wait any longer I'll just file for D. But the important thing is the verb "want", it is not "can't" or "stand" or "not able to wait" etc. etc. For now I want to wait.
So if you are feeling low at the moment, do not beat yourself on the head (I am creating new english language here guys!!). Just ask youself if you want to wait for him a bit longer, not if you can wait for him, because you can. What do you want to do? (It's a decision I make every day!!!).
Take care, once we got so low, there is no other way but up! You know that, right?
Hi Essie..you sound like such an ace person, your H is a nut for leaving you ! (my BF too!), so, apart from that... reading your post, it just seems that you are angry at him... maybe thats how you feel? You're just mad at him for selfishly walking out...? I dont blame you..but maybe you should think, I guess he couldnt help how hes acted, he didnt do it TO me, I am just the unfortunate victim of his SR/1/4LC/MLC whatever is going on with him..? I dont know, I'm not good at getting in touch with my anger! Plus I think my BF looks worse than m e, so its easy to feel compassion and concern and not feel he is being a b*stard!
Do yuo know how your H is faring without you?
PS: Kalni..yes, I am noticing 7 year cycles everywhere on this site too! Its the 7 year cycles of Saturn, I know its to blame..
I don't want any contact with him for a long time, unless he is making a serious effort (which is highly unlikely), so I cant see this ever working out.
This is interesting to hear from you and isn't it interesting that you said that? To me, it isn't about anger. To me, it is about taking a stand for what you will and will not put up with. Taking a stand for yourself! Putting yourself first. Sometimes, with ladies like us, it is abnormal to express anger and when we do, we are somewhat ashamed of it (why you called it being "negative"). But, really, you aren't being negative! You are putting your needs first and there is nothing wrong about that and it is good to hear you "get angry" and stand up for yourself!
You are realizing what you need from H and that is GOOD.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Maybe sometimes anger IS an appropriate reaction, even for a while? I dont know. Anger can make you take action maybe? Or make you fight back, as in a survival way... one someone hurts you that much? I cant talk..I;ve been completely unable to get angry! I think people around me are surprised by that. I think I would agree with Essie, that I have this feeling, rightly or wrongly, that anger is a negative destructive emotion. Maybe what you're talking about Beth is being more assertive? Not angry? Stating what your needs are is about asserting your needs, anger can sometimes backfire and prevent you getting what you need..? Although, how do you stand up for what you need from someone who isnt even phoning you? I dont know, really, I dont !
Struggling with this one today, as I suppose I am a tad angry today that my BF walked away without even trying one little bit. I think thats the same in your sitch isnt it Essie? He just WA?
Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I had a bit of a cry and pulled myself together.
I think I can wait a bit longer for H. Well I'm going to chose to do it until the end of this month, and then I will reassess.
What I felt on my birthday is that if H and I are to get back together then I will have to have zero expectations. He often used to say that my expectations were too high. I can see what he was getting at, because on some level I wanted him to make me happy, and of course he couldn't live up to that expectation.
I guess the fantasy is that I could meet someone great who would think that I was wonderful and that this Dark Handsome Stranger would exceed my expectations. For example I would get spoiled on my birthday and showered with attention and gifts (ha ha.
I'm having a bit of a break through even as I type this.....
I can see that I do need to work on being happy in myself - then I wouldnt be disappointed with H. And if I dont work this issue out I will drag it into the next relationship.
Hmmm food for thought.
As far as I know H is doing crap without me (yay). From all reports he is grumpy and miserable. He works almost 7 days a week (very unlike him, as socializing and having fun was his #1 priority when we were married). Unfortunately he didnt just walk away. We stuck together for a year of pure hell trying to work out our problems, after he told me that he had cheated on me..... I thought we were doing all the 'right' things like seeing counselors and talking about issues blah blah blah. H always said the 'right' things to me (e.g. the morning he left he told me that he loved me and was committed to me - but in a dead sort of tone and clearly not very happy about the prospect!) It was SO confusing, because he wasnt happy but wouldnt say what was wrong. And I pulled all the wrong anti-DB moves for an entire year, and was clingy and an emotional wreck. Separation is paradise after that year, let me tell you!
Ah, Essie, I'm sorry to hear that, I got that wrong! I read your thread but didnt go back far enough I guess. Gosh, you went through all that? No wonder you are so wise, you've been on a massive learning curve! Interesting your H is doing badly without you. Working all the hours is a typical male avoidance thing. My BFs been doing the same, well he was, working late every night (again unusual as before, socialising was also HIS no1 priority!). I think the socialising thing was masking my BFs real underlying unhappiness. He even admitted this when we broke up, he said he was very good at "distracting himself". Its sad isnt it. Has your H been in counselling alone at all since this? My BF wont go. He once went 3 years ago, but came back after 6 sessions and said the C said he was "cured". Such a joke! Thing is, you arent able to ask him to go get help now are you, as yuo arent really in touch and not on that level? Its good that all this is making you see things about yourself though? Its a humblimg experience all this, I have learnt. Thinking of you too ! Ali ---------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Moved out: 15 Nov 07 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1324947&page=0
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Just thought I'd pop in and say hello! I thought your last post was really insightful (not sure if that's a word- sorry if not!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
I can see that I do need to work on being happy in myself - then I wouldnt be disappointed with H. And if I dont work this issue out I will drag it into the next relationship.
Absolutely! I think being happy in yourself is the nirvana of DBing. As someone whose H used to always say 'you make me really happy', I know that being responsible for someone else's happiness is a huge pressure. Not that it was a problem when he WAS happy. But now, I can't work out for the life of me what I did wrong! It would be much better if H was happy in himself, and wanted to be with me as the icing ON the cake. I'm not happy being the cake itself!
(Sorry if I sound like some kind of parable teller. I think it's hereditary- when my Dad took me to University, his parting words were 'don't let the golf ball fall into the 18th hole'. I'll leave it to you to guess what he meant!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
As far as I know H is doing crap without me (yay)..
FANTASTIC NEWS!!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Separation is paradise after that year, let me tell you!
Essie- I thought this was a really interesting thing that you mentioned. From what I understand from your description of the last year, it sounds like a hard time for both you and H. I can't remember how long you and H have been S, but sometimes when things have been difficult, I've heard that it can take a little longer to get to the point of rebuilding the friendship.
H may be throwing himself into his work at the moment to try and stop himself thinking about things. But that can't last forever. Eventually he will start looking inwards, and looking at you, and see the wonderful independent anti-clinging Essie that you are and he'll get curious!
That coming from someone who is impatient after 4 days NC. Sorry if I sound ridiculous! (And of course, feel free to quote me back at me if I moan about NC ever again!)
I am sorry about your birthday I always feel like they need to be amazing so it can be a very vulnerable day for me too.
But I love your latest post--!!!
Today in yoga class my teacher was encouraging us to go to The Edge, the limit of what we can do. She said that at The Edge, we will let go of things that we didn't even know were stopping us. We don't even have to know what they are. We can do it without thinking. The edge is where we transform.
This might sound ridiculous, but I actually feel like whatever I've been through since the bomb(s) has pushed me to grow, really authentically, more than anything else, even though it's been really painful.
It sounds like you are getting into really powerful transforming avenues!
I can see that I do need to work on being happy in myself - then I wouldnt be disappointed with H. And if I dont work this issue out I will drag it into the next relationship.
this is such a great thought! Like let's say you had an amazing day and you go home to your H (I know he's not there right now, but let's just imagine) and he feels like crappy crap crap. Would that make you feel less amazing? Not necessarily. You could just draw on your own happiness to support him and love him when he feels like crap, without him diminishing it at all. can we expand this into a larger vision of a marriage as a whole? or of your life?
I always feel like they need to be amazing so it can be a very vulnerable day for me too.