A friend who has known me since this began, opened my eyes to me
She asked me how I was. I talked about the kids. How I had been there for them and they know I will always be there. Im have never lied or tried to cover things from them.
Truth, Trust and stability.
My door has been open to an for them. I have been their constant.
I talked about H and how he is soooo in MLC and that really although there have been baby steps, it is very hard for him.
That I see littlepeeks of him every once in a while but the mindgames and control are a big part of where he is now.
She listened, like the good friend that she is, and when I stopped she said"No, I mean how are things goingwith YOU"
(Wow, I never thought about just "me")
Her phone rang and I had to leave her office.
"ME???" "How am I doing???"
I haven't thought about it in a very long time.]
I have worried about the kids... they're doing good now
I worried about H. Hmmmm kinda in limbo but baby steps is good.
Me...I have been in this place, although different degrees of different stages for a year now.
H has not given me anything to hold on to, to grab tight to, to work on,
H is suspicios of me??? and thinks everything I do has ulterior motive. I have nothing to hide and I want to make this work. I've told him this but still....I guess he doesn't get it.
Yes,he is still at home and that is a good thing...in some respects....
He closes the door to his room,I suppose he is setting a boundry, but at the same time he is closing off the rest of his family.
Yes, he loves me and this is why he has set up timelines to move and has yet to.
But this is not enough for me.
- it has been a year
-a very taxing, draining, growing year
- I am lonely but not alone
- I have been available, I have been constant and I have made mistakes along the way.
- I am human and I want to be loved
-I have given my all and in my heart I know that I need to move ahead
-I will not kick him out, I will not threaten or call him down.
- I will be his friend. I will move forward.
-I am more confidentand am not the same person since this started.
Meet the new "Judy"
I need to get back to the happy, carefree joking person that used to reside in this body.
I know she's there and I'm bringing her back.
So I'm preparing my financial statement and when my lawyer gets back from her vacation, I'm going to make an appointmentwith her.
Don't get me wrong, I'll be there if he needs me but I don't see him needing me anytime soon. He's not ready....
This won't be easy and my close friends will be there for me.
I'm hoping that I can come here too as I count you dber's as my friends. My friends have brought me to the point that I can say I'm "enlightened" by my life,
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
and thinks everything I do has ulterior motive. I have nothing to hide and I want to make this work. I've told him this but still....I guess he doesn't get it.
