Engagement

[SolidMechanic]

...However I think mrscac4 and Lillie make good points that IF she also has to overcome another issue of hers (introversion) aren't you just setting her up for failure? Or at least setting it up so she has to use a lot of energy getting over this particular issue and so this issue is additional to the sexual issues instead of keeping YOUR issue with the marriage clear.

I may be wrong about this, but I think she needs to be able to handle her fears if we are going to deal with our marital issues successfully. That's just a theory. And she does use the phone. I would not classify it as a phobia.

You wrote:

This time around, I want her to think deeply about what she wants out of counseling. What problems does she have with how I behave toward her? Does she have deep wounds that need to heal before we can move forward? What are her feelings about sex in general? About sex with me? None of these are my questions. They are her questions, and she needs to own them.

You have laid out a pretty hefty list of things your wife needs to do. And on top of that you also want her to confront another issue with phone calls/introversion. I guess I would have to ask you which is the larger problem in your marriage – your wife's introversion or her issues with sex? Would it be okay with you if she stayed introverted and uncomfortable with phone calls IF she took on the responsibility of understanding her sexuality? Would it be okay if she called and scheduled the appointment but still was unable to figure out her issues with sex? To me, that is how I would decide what was critical in this process.

That was a long list. I didn't mean to imply that I want her to fix these things. I don't know what issues she'll need to work on before she can meet my needs in our marriage. I haven't brought up most of that stuff with her. I'm pretty sure W will have to come to some level of self understanding, but even that is a presumption. Maybe a therapist can convince her to "just do it", and "act as if", but she has told me in the past that she can't "just do it." What ever the issues are, she needs to own those that are hers.

One of my issues is that I want to see desire. I'm not even talking about sexual desire. I'm talking about seeing her show some active sign that my needs matter to her. That it is important to her that we make our marriage a success. One little phone call.

SM