BJ-- As I have said before your H and my H could be twins. Their behavior is very similar. I do think it is a guilt ridden depression. I think that is what this entire thing is about. I think that is why he keeps flip flopping. Even as hard as it was to stomach I think that him moving out was a way to relieve some of that guilt. He could not give up OW (for whatever reason), but more importantly he could not face you knowing that he was still lying. My BIL broke it down to me in very simple terms- PAY ATTENTION TO THIS- You have "pimps" (that is what he calls guys who cheat and treat their wives like crap) and then you have "confused spouses". A true pimp would not care how you felt. He would come home when he wanted or not at all and you would have to deal with it. A true pimp would not move out, but instead keep doing his thing until you moved out. A true pimp would not bother to make up lies to save your feelings. Now hearing this does not make things any less painful, but his point was as long as he is conflicted it means he has feelings and if he has feelings there is still hope. He added that when it's over you will know. He told me you/me will be served with D papers and it will be ice cold. No feeling and no emotion. Things like property and kids will become inconsequetntial. Those things will work themselves out. The most important thing when you want out is to get out. You don't waiver, you don't falter, you act and then you move on. The fact that your H is still very much undecided says something. Now the difference between your sitch and mine is I asked my H to leave. I could not stand the late nights out. Those were making me loose my mind. I felt very disrespected. BJ I think you need to give H some space. I do believe he will come home to you, but really and truly give him some time. I don't think it is over with OW. Again, when you are done you eliminate OW from your life. No working with her, no bowling team, no nothing. You are moving so that helps, but if he was ready to be done he would have stopped it long ago. He is not ready and I know it's hard but back off and honor that. Do like DB says and go to bed early so you don't ask questions. I think you should most certainly let H move first and then you follow. You are too nice. It's kind of like you are saying "do your thing". " I will be waiting". My H said it last week when I was crying about him talking to suspected OW. "you are pathetic, have some dignity". Now I am still HOT from those words and we have not talked since, but I think one of his points was don't take my sh-t. I don't want you to take it because what I am doing is not right. You should be mad, you should want him to get his arse out! Think about it- if you were having an A and your h just kind of rolled over and accepted it and said "baby, I know this is what you have to do and I understand how you might be feeling and OK this is the last time I am going to let you do this to me (until the next time)." Wouldn't you feel kind of shabby like damn he does not even care. If he cared he would have the boxes waiting at the door and the locks changed. If he gave you this lukewarm reaction and just sort of turned the other way wouldn't you be thinking "damn, he does not even want to fight for me". I have never cheated on H, but I did keep an ex BF around for years. We would travel together and H would be pissed. He would say it was over and put his foot down and then take me right back. Well I only stopped talking to BF when he stopped talking to me. I knew H was not really going to do anything. Show your H you are going to do something and then do it! I know if you can get this right, your marriage will be so much better. Before I married H he did something very similar to what he is doing now. For months I let him waffle (dating not dating). He would spend the day with me, but never the nights. Finally, one New Year's Eve he stayed the day with me (sex all day) and then told me he had plans for the night. I was hurt and in tears. He told me we were no longer dating so why did I think he would spend New Year's Eve with me. I vowed that night to let him go. I did. I did not talk to him for months. He literally did not hear my voice. All he got was an answering machine (this was way b4 cell phones). Long story short he came back and he wanted to get married. He was acting right up until now. It's time to employ the technique that I know works. The thing is I when I went dark it was not to get him back it was so that I did not hurt anymore. That is what I am trying to do now.
