Hi Kalni! I was thinking the same thing, your H could be depressed. My BF has also been saying "I'm tired" every time I speak to him and he too looks awful, very tired and drawn and friends comment on it to me. Might explain why they have "flipped" as they have. Its not so much tired even, as "cant be bothered" with anything, which is maybe why your H didnt go to the party? Being tired is one thing, but we can all pick ourselves and get going if theres a good reason, but you cant be bothered to if you're depressed.
As for the sister-in-law, I totally empathise. I have been there for my MIL for years, especially when her partner of 22 years walked out on her overnight for OW (!). I was on the phone to her night after night and it went on for a year. Since this happened, I have spoken to her afew times, and we cried, but shes never once phoned me! And I think, right, so now I see your true colours, after all the time I invested in helping you, because I wanted to help you, you were in pain...it is unbelievable how egocentric, or maybe even selfish, some people can be.
This type of trauma really makes you appreciate the kindness in people, and make you see those that are unable to give of themselves, when you really need emotional support....
You do sound remarkably positive though, although that doesnt mean to say you are not lonely and miss him like crazy. What else can you do though, but keep going? We cant let them beat us!
You've only been on this board a short time but after reading you're last post, I think you sound great, I think you're doing great. All I can say is to keep that positive attitude going, and keep doing what you're doing.
Oh and a couple of quotes for you.
Originally Posted By: Kalni 01/27/08
I wish I could do something to get things going a little bit faster...
Originally Posted By: Kalni 01/26/08
We have a saying here in Greece, if I try to translate it, it goes "slowly, slowly the "not so ready yet" turns into honey"
I am gald you all woke up feeling conversational!!! It has been lonely here in the morning.
First of all I am (I didn't notice since when), a Member- not a Junior Member anymore. You are all invited at my place for a drink to celebrate!! (that's an idea guys...)
Lan, you got me there!! I know, I know, but it's easier to preach others... I hate it to wait. It has been easier in the beginning but now that I see the positive changes happening daily I am getting impatient, I want it to go faster. I guess it's the feeling we are missing time and good times together as a family. I see no use in it.
Lizzy, Ali, I've been thinking that he has been depressed ever since this stupid crisis started. But at one point he convinced me and himself that it was me and our marriage to blame for his mood. I hope that just as I realise that I am not to blame for this, he is seeing too. I think he does.
He brought the kids back today and stayed for an hour or so. He was again in no hurry. I acted content and the rest but I couldn't help it and told him something like "God you do sound very tired and miserable, great progress you have in your life, you eat delivery food everyday, you work 14-16 hours, you go back to a cold tiny place, huh, how did you manage that?" But I was laughing and he laughed too, and gave me a little nod(spelling please?) Well, I knew immediately I was critising and tried to take it back by talking about something else, being extra friendly etc. etc. I think I merely pulled it off with no major backsliding effects. We'll see.
I told him I am planning to come to States in Feb (true) with a friend of mine that works as flight crew ( I work at the airport and get very good deals for tickets). He was a liitle bit suprised, NY was a trip we had been planning since we first met, but we never got to do it. He was enthousiastic about it after a while. He said "yes, with the Euro/Dollar rate you 'll get to shop till you drop". I told him my money situation is not that great but I am seriously thinking of taking that trip.
He left, in a good mood and I gave give two pieces of fresh warm cheesepie I had made and he seemed really thankful about that.
We talked twice on the phone since, mostly about our kids (homework etc.) and that was it.
Hi Kalni, Reading between the lines I'd say ease up a bit on your H esp. your friends talking to him and reporting back. I too tried this early on in a well meaning way but it only drove her away. I'd say give him more time and space to realize things for himself while staying connected on some neural level like the kids' H/W.
Any idea why he's depressed? Yes, he's been working long hours. But is his job as Chief Editor high pressure or is it more like he felt he was not getting enough domestic or other emotional support from you? What is his LL? Think about the root causes of his depression while you have your own time and space and you will not feel so lonely while he's away. Get some help with the kids if you need to.
Best wishes.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
You are doing absolutely fabulous-well done-this is a hard thankless job and especially when your friends and family think your delusional and should be moving on-I have stopped talking about my sitch to most people as I couldn't bare the looks of pity and worry tbh-so come here to talk to people who have better insight into what motivates us to carry on
Your husband sounds depressed-give him space to work out that it's not you or the marriage-if your DB and being consistent with 180's - once the pressure of any R talks is out of the way -he will start to see through the fog-it takes time and patience- act as if u are happy no matter what happens.
You are a incredibly strong woman!
As for the SIL-some people are just selfish- take comfort from the fact that you are not one of these people-you are a caring understanding supportive friend- don't forget that- treat yourself now how you would treat a friend- be gentle and kind to yourself.
Thanks for posting on my board. I really appreciate what you said about asking do I want to wait, and waiting as long as I want to. I definitely like to have a PLAN.... so I want to know what the end result is, and find it very hard to wait. You are right I need to take the waiting day by day.
Guess what? I got married on the 10th Dec (7 years ago too).
I'm glad I've survived all the hard dates - anniversary, birthday, Xmas & NYE. It can only get better from here in.
Your NY trip sounds cool! Your H will definitly be wondering about you and how much fun you seem to be having while he sounds like a mess.
How are you coping with the contact? Is it upsetting you emotionally to have so much contact?
You sound like you are doing a fantastic job DB - I have great hopes for your marriage!
Not much to report on my situation. I realised I need to do some reading again and see what I should do next.
One question for you guys : Once the friendly approach is stabilised and he takes it for granted, do I need to do another 180 turn? (and end up where I started, 2 180 turns 1 360 turn right?). Does "do something he doesn't expect mean I should "go dark" for a while by not responding to phonecalls (which I just did, I didn't feel like talking to him today), or not helping him out with kids' schedule etc, etc?
How long do I keep this friendly approach with him? Do I need to stick to it hoping we'll go the next level of maybe flirting or romance or whateverthe the next step is? When do you know it's time to proceed... that you took all you can take from a phase? (ops, he is calling again). Should I revise my goals again or is it too early?
My goals had been : 1) establish any kind of friendly contact 2) make him realise I am not mad anymore 3) show I can handle the situation by being calm and confident and acting content 4) have him calling me not just for the kids-laugh during phonecalls 5) showing he wants to be around with me during his visits taking-bringing the kids home
of course my ultimate goal has been to "have him home by Easter" translated into the above.
I was thinking that my next goal would be : -him to actually ask me out for sometime together or meet (intentionally by both of us) at a party (like the one he didn't show up) or a friends' house for dinner or smth like that.
Any feedback greatly appreciated...
fb2, you are right. That way of contact through friends etc. did not work for me either in the beginning. This time my friends didn't try to talk to him about Us. They were being normal, friendly and cool with him. For me it was a sign from my own people that they are getting in my mood, I hope he noticed. I did not plan it, I can't, couldn't control it, I am not responsible for it (the way he interacts with my friends). And that is a change for me.
His LL is definitely acts of service, he loved it when I would cook his favourite food, bring his staff back for the cleaners, think of staff he needed to do before him and have them done (presents for his friends/family etc.). It's exactly what I stopped doing for him the last 7-8-9 (I can't recall anymore) months ever since he started acting "funny". I was being selfish and mad and thought "if you are being a jerk I'll stop all the things I KNOW you like". Great timing, huh?
Irisheys, thanks for your kind words. We are on the same continent so we can support each other when the rest of our friends are sleeping...
Essie, you got married on a Sunday, I did on the night before Sat, 9 Dec 2000. It's weird we meet here. Let's meet again in a couple of months in the "piecing marriage forum", you promise?
I have my Bday coming up on March 3rd. Looking forward to it.
The contact we have is fine by me. I enjoy it because to be honest I sense he wants it too. For the first time after so many months. I had the babysitter at home on Sat morning when he came to pick up the kids. When he left she told me "he looked at you with clear/open eyes, it was about time!!". She noticed too, so I am not going crazy... But I'm thinking next time he comes to pick them up, I'll be gone...
Take care everyone, I am always checking on your threads...
He called a couple of times at work today and I didn't pick up. He left no messages so I figured it wasn't anything urgent. I called him on the way home. I asked what he wanted in a serious but friendly way. He said "hm, nothing just wanted to talk to you"!!! It's the first time he actually SAID he called just to talk to me.He has been calling but always with an excuse/reason. He would try to prolong the calls by asking "any news?" but it is the first time he actually said that. Well, I continued with my "serious" voice and told him "well, then Ok, I'll talk to you later". Before we hung up he asked me TWICE if there was anything wrong with me in a caring way(WOW!!). I said " no, not really, nothing I can't handle, talk to you later!!"
And... the OSCAR goes to... ME!!! (I know we are not supposed to fake anything, but then again I had to put in some mysterious note at some point). I feel good.
He called a few minutes ago, I answered my mobile by something translated in English like "Hi babe" (!!) said I was home. He called at home, didn't pick up the phone, my son did. I didn't ask to talk to him and he didn't either. Told my son he wil be calling later again. I'll be nice this time...
I am hearing the big castle doors squicking (is this actually a real word) or am I hearing things in general? (that picnic analogy is great, read it if you haven't yet...)
I was thinking that my next goal would be : -him to actually ask me out for sometime together or meet (intentionally by both of us) at a party (like the one he didn't show up) or a friends' house for dinner or smth like that.
Hi Kalni, It seems to me that you cannot make his future actions YOUR goals? You can only control YOUR actions and HOPE that he does such and such in response. For example, I initiated a series of "friendly" meetings with my W hoping that she would reciprocate the initiating of such meetings but she hasn't so far; I was tempted to make this a goal of mine but I realize I can't really do that. This is one of the ways in which the DR book is written that I find somewhat misleading.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
hingAnd... the OSCAR goes to... ME!!! (I know we are not supposed to fake anything, but then again I had to put in some mysterious note at some point). I feel good.real word) or am I hearing things in general? (that picnic analogy is great, read it if you haven't yet...)
I think you did fine. You actually DO have to FAKE it 'cos if you show you're elated he may back off. What picnic analogy?
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
