Okay, let me try and do a better job of answering your questions. I am generally not a doormat type - so no clue why my H actually picked me. Maybe that's why? Because he wanted someone to call him on his behavior. I told him flat out a few months ago that either it would stop or we were done. He has been much better since then, and he's signed up for an anger management class.
In the beginning, I think I was more lenient and should have set firmer boundaries. Once my DD got older, I knew I didn't want her to grow up with yelling and name-calling. Those are the worse ones for me. Fleeing is also bad. Silent treatment is bad if it goes on too long. I am hoping the class will give him some methods of dealing with anger and frustration since that is where all of those behaviors come from.
He has told me our bad sex life makes him feel unloved, rejected, unattractive. He has no problem voicing those feelings. But it seems to be the only thing he can talk about. If I ask why he married me, he can't tell me. If I ask what he likes about me, he can't tell me. If I ask how he feels about his parents, he says they were good parents. It's like pulling teeth!
I think that my H does want to try and meet some of my needs, but he falls into old patterns - just as I'm sure I do. When there are only so many hours in the day and are schedules often make us feel like passing ships, it's no wonder the connection wanes.
What do you do to rebuild initimacy? I like conversation - but it's tough to get him to chat (he says he'll try). I like massages and showers, but he thinks they should always turn into sex. So now, if they don't, I feel like I'm disappointing him. I like it when he seems genuinely interested in me and my thoughts, but this seems rare.
I've tried to accept this is just the way things will be, but that doesn't get me any closer to finding my libido again.
My father had a temper and would yell, but it was rare. I think they are similar in ways. My H's bad behaviors make a small percentage of who he is, but the cumulative impact is big.
I think as our DD gets older, and maybe you can confirm this, it will get a little easier. Now at the end of the day, we are both exhausted and just want to zone in our own ways. WE don't seem capable of zoning together. There is the problem.
I don't know, maybe I should try the testosterone again. I just lost the 10 lbs it made me gain and still have 10 lbs of baby weight I'd like to lose. I've been on and off of synthroid medicine and even tried an antidepressent. NOne of it helps my libido. Maybe this is just the way it will be? And if so, then how do I keep my M together? It seems so unfair that it's so easier for some - the libido part. I don't think it would solve every problem we have, but it would definitely help our connection. Some days I do feel like giving up, but then I look at our DD and want to keep things going for her. And then I realize I want to keep things going for us. It's so hard.
