I'm sure you realize that she is a classic avoider. And to channel Cobra, the root of that is a shame-based upbringing. I believe that the root of her fear is that counseling will confirm what she always has believed to be true -- that she is flawed, damaged, unloveable. She is terribly afraid of emotional intimacy because if she reveals herself to you, she fears that you will confirm to her what she has always believed to be true about herself. It's a tough nut to crack.
Yes, I think this is right. Her mom was very straight laced and kept a firm lid on any kind of sexual activity or conversation in their house. There are a lot of other indicators of this I don't have time to go into right now.
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I would guess that when you went to counseling before she talked only about those topics that didn't feel threatening to her. Actually I'm curious to know what kinds of things she did talk about.
Yeah, me to. After a few sessions, the counselor separated us so she could talk to each of us separately. W told me she mostly ended up talking about her mother. I'm afraid that I didn't have much patience for this, and I know I need to be more patient about it this time. I felt frustrated, though, that my needs weren't being addressed. It was pretty wrong headed on my part.
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The fact that she suggests counseling at all makes me wonder if some part of her wants to get to the bottom of it. I think the other spouses on here who are avoidant types tend to want nothing to do with counseling.
I really don't know. The skeptic in me is thinking that she suggested counseling to placate me. I hope we can both be open and patient with the process.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
