I'm sensing you are not comfortable with the idea of getting a roommate and staying in your current place. So, let's think about how to approach this issue.
The line you want to walk is between "I won't stand in your way if you want to split up" (OK) and "I will help make it happen" (NOT OK). This is tricky, but you really want to make the point that "This is your bright idea, and so you need to be the one who does the hard work."
Here's what I'm thinking. First, you've looked at at least one place you might move. That's good. Maybe look at a couple more, and really understand your options if it comes to that. But, stop there - with that knowledge in mind, throw the ball back in his court the next time he brings it up.
For example, what things need to be done before you could move out?
First, you need to figure out finances. How much is H going to give to you on a monthly basis, to pay for D3's needs (food, clothing, day care, etc.)? And how can you be sure that he will keep up the payments? What about when he loses his job (a definite possibility, if I recall)? Don't tell him the answers to this, force HIM to think about it and make a proposal. Then, when what he proposes is a bad joke, tell him to go back and try again. The key is - put the burden of working out all the nasty implications on HIM.
Second, you need to figure out your other finances. For example, do you have join credit cards? Well, those accounts will have to get closed, and you'll both need individual ones. Do you have an outstanding balance on the joint account? OK, who's going to pay it off? What about checking accounts? Savings? Etc., etc., etc. Once again - tell him it is HIS responsibility to suggest a solution for all of this, and you'll look at it once he has done it.
Third, you need to figure out how the household will be split up. Who gets the bed? The TV? etc. Tell him to write up a detailed list, and you'll review it.
These are all perfectly reasonable requests - but you may very well find that he will put off working on them for a looooong time. Deep down, I don't believe he is as sure about this course of action as he says he is - his behavior is too "all over the map" for a person who is sure. But you've moved the burden of taking the next step off of your shoulders ("Have you started looking for another place yet?") to his ("Have you got the finances and household stuff worked out yet?") Remember, Time and Patience. Nothing buys you time like expecting a screwed up MLCer to get off their butt and do something "productive".
Oh, and as far as that place you are supposed to be looking for? Well, tell him you couldn't POSSIBLY even start looking until you know how much money you will have and how much furniture you will need to buy. Right?
Originally Posted By: karen43
I wouldn't even bother talking/discussing with your H when he's been drinking, Sue. That might be a good rule for you to help you keep your sanity. I hope he finds AA soon, it has helped my H (at least with his drinking issues) and my brother as well. Karen43
Wow, I think this is an absolutely FANTASTIC boundary for you to set! Your H is a mean drunk - make it clear to him that you will NOT be subjected to this, so from now on, when he's been drinking, you are off limits.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
As ever, spot on. I have never got that far in any convo, but if I did, he would be the first person I would turn to.
SueS, hang in there and be strong for you and your d. It sounds like he is a serial drunk, with the periods of shame in between. Let him know that you will not stand for it any more, even up to the point of calling the police the next time he drink/drives (out of love and a fear he might ruin someone elses lives).
First, Pamar, I am so sorry that I missed seeing your post on Monday. I was working so long on responding to my own that I didn't see yours until after I hit submit. Thank you! At first, I thought that if H got caught drinking/driving that I'd rather it happen after we'd split. Then, I realized that it would affect me no matter what. He could possibly lose his job or worse. Affects D3, affects me.
I'm sorry I'm so absent between my own posts and on everyone else's threads. My mind is kind of reeling right now.
I am not really comfortable at this time getting a roommate. If I knew more people, it would be easier, but most everyone I know is married with kids. I think there'd be too many thoughts of H left in that place if I stayed. If D3 and I are going to hit the future just the two of us, I'd like it to be in a different place. Unless I have to, I don't want to leave now, but when our lease comes up in 6 months.
Rob, Thank you so much for the advice on how to handle things. I want to contact the attorney again that I spoke with before and have her explain to me how the expenses work. She gave me some sort of formula that the courts use on how to figure out how much each spouse would pay. I was worried about the fact that I thought I made more than H. When I checked our W2's it looks like taking his monthly income x12, he's even to me or more than I am. He's only been at his current position for 6 months. I need to do that before I bring up the finances and tell him he's right or wrong. I suspect he'll see it as a lower figure than I will. He does pay her daycare & our groceries now, but he's never really taken a look at the expenses for her clothing, doctor bills, haircuts....etc. I am trying very hard to get all the worked out.
I did think the other day about talking to him about the furniture. I'm not sure how he'll want to split that. In the last year & 1/2, we bought a new couch, bed/bedframe, entertainment center, wall decor...etc. I got online last night and when I went to erase my history, I saw a few apartments that he'd looked at. The areas they were in tell me they are apartments for him. Seeing that he hadn't "searched" for apartments, it looks like the links were sent to him by someone. How nice to have someone sending you links to apartments so you can leave your family!! I know I shouldn't be surprised any more.
Karen, you are right. I shouldn't fight with my H when he's drinking. We were in the car on Sat. night and afer him having gotten nasty with me twice before, I couldn't stop myself. I let it fly. I'd love to see H go to AA. I don't see that happening, as he's never thought he had a problem.
H continues to go up/down with his moods. On Monday night he'd told me that if I didn't want to wait for him to eat, that he'd just eat when he got home. I went ahead and ate with D3. H was then bummed that I didn't wait saying "that's nice". I told him that he'd told me to go ahead and eat. Last night he called from work telling me again not to wait. I didn't. I'm not feeling well and H asked me.....why I was laying down, what was wrong...etc. I told him I didn't feel well and was polite with him. I got to bed and woke up in the middle of the night to find H in bed with me, rubbing my back and wanting intimacy. Well, he knew I was sick and again, with everything that's been going on, I denied him. He got pouty and rolled over. He then went and slept on the futon in the den. Hello???? Where is your head? Is it here, is it with her, where is it? Stepping away, detaching.....etc. Sorry, I know he's a guy, but if you're on the phone with OW and then coming into the bedroom to have sex with your wife????????? Yes, I snooped (hand slap) and it looks like he called OW just before midnight. Why did I snoop? Not sure?? I questioned myself after I did it. What good did it do me? NONE. Again, hand slap. He just told me a few nights ago how he feels and what he wants. He's looking at apartments, but wanting intimacy.........
Well, I need to get a few things done. Thanks everyone!
-Sue
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Karen, you are right. I shouldn't fight with my H when he's drinking. We were in the car on Sat. night and afer him having gotten nasty with me twice before, I couldn't stop myself. I let it fly. I'd love to see H go to AA. I don't see that happening, as he's never thought he had a problem.
I know that's easier said than done though! I try not to fight with my H, but sometimes do anyway, alcoholics even sober ones like my H really know how to push your buttons! But at least you know when they are drinking you shouldn't take seriously what they are saying. That's sad he is in denial about having a problem, because it seems pretty obvious from what you say that he has one, but I guess he hasn't "hit bottom" yet which I know is what they say has to happen before someone usually winds up at AA. I do hope someday soon he realizes he is hurting you and your family with his drinking!!! Karen43
Just to make you feel better (or at least not alone), this summer (July), I checked H's phone moments (within minutes) of us ML and he had called OW. That was the last time we ML until December.
I really think you are making the right decision about not ML at the moment, but next time H isn't drinking, I think you need to explain why to him.
Sue, Just gave hugs and prayers to LWB, now it's your turn. You do deserve a smoother ride. I know you would rather save your M but it doesn't sound like your H's heart is there -- at least not right now.
If he thinks he can say all those nasty things to you, put you down, etc. and expect intimacy with you, he sure doesn't respect you, or even understand you AT ALL! I think I would have laughed in his face.
Like everyone else on this board, you're an amazing person. Don't ever let your H, or anyone else, try to tell you otherwise.
Sorry, I have been lurking & not posting lately. There is quite a bit to tell but mainly about the children situation and not really anything positive about the WAW.
I think I have felt despondent (sp) over all this lately or maybe very detached from her. I am not sure. I just can not see any light at the end of the tunnel right now, no changes from her but I will post tomorrow night when I have more time. I would like some feedback from everyone that can offer it on where I am in the sitch.
Thanks for asking about me and I will fill you in tomorrow. I gotta go to bed, I am tired and need to get up early.
