Helloooo...Smoother Ride....Where Are You???

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue,

I'm sensing you are not comfortable with the idea of getting a roommate and staying in your current place. So, let's think about how to approach this issue.

The line you want to walk is between "I won't stand in your way if you want to split up" (OK) and "I will help make it happen" (NOT OK). This is tricky, but you really want to make the point that "This is your bright idea, and so you need to be the one who does the hard work."

Here's what I'm thinking. First, you've looked at at least one place you might move. That's good. Maybe look at a couple more, and really understand your options if it comes to that. But, stop there - with that knowledge in mind, throw the ball back in his court the next time he brings it up.

For example, what things need to be done before you could move out?

First, you need to figure out finances. How much is H going to give to you on a monthly basis, to pay for D3's needs (food, clothing, day care, etc.)? And how can you be sure that he will keep up the payments? What about when he loses his job (a definite possibility, if I recall)? Don't tell him the answers to this, force HIM to think about it and make a proposal. Then, when what he proposes is a bad joke, tell him to go back and try again. The key is - put the burden of working out all the nasty implications on HIM.

Second, you need to figure out your other finances. For example, do you have join credit cards? Well, those accounts will have to get closed, and you'll both need individual ones. Do you have an outstanding balance on the joint account? OK, who's going to pay it off? What about checking accounts? Savings? Etc., etc., etc. Once again - tell him it is HIS responsibility to suggest a solution for all of this, and you'll look at it once he has done it.

Third, you need to figure out how the household will be split up. Who gets the bed? The TV? etc. Tell him to write up a detailed list, and you'll review it.

These are all perfectly reasonable requests - but you may very well find that he will put off working on them for a looooong time. Deep down, I don't believe he is as sure about this course of action as he says he is - his behavior is too "all over the map" for a person who is sure. But you've moved the burden of taking the next step off of your shoulders ("Have you started looking for another place yet?") to his ("Have you got the finances and household stuff worked out yet?") Remember, Time and Patience. Nothing buys you time like expecting a screwed up MLCer to get off their butt and do something "productive".

Oh, and as far as that place you are supposed to be looking for? Well, tell him you couldn't POSSIBLY even start looking until you know how much money you will have and how much furniture you will need to buy. Right?

I wouldn't even bother talking/discussing with your H when he's been drinking, Sue. That might be a good rule for you to help you keep your sanity. I hope he finds AA soon, it has helped my H (at least with his drinking issues) and my brother as well. Karen43

Wow, I think this is an absolutely FANTASTIC boundary for you to set! Your H is a mean drunk - make it clear to him that you will NOT be subjected to this, so from now on, when he's been drinking, you are off limits.