W and I are living together pretending to be married until school gets out. 2 years ago she was unhappy because I have been in depression / anxiety / self medicating for many years. She found her 'soulmate' and decided we were done. I hung on, got better as best I could and when the ultimate crash came for her I picked her up, got us back to a point of stability and our family was back together. But I didn't get myself fully healed and the pressure of our financials, the hurt from the affair and the always uncertain feeling that she would leave if things got bad wore me down to where I eventually ended up in the same place. Even though she said she had learned what 'commitment' meant she eventually decided that her commitment to 'herself and her own growth and path in life' was more important that her commitment to seeing me through my crisis. she was 'done'. She was 'sad she couldn't make her marriage work, that she couldn't keep her commitment'.
Later I find out she's in a text message 'friendship' with a guy she was around for a week because he was one of the chaperones as part of a high school band trip over xmas - new years.
When I confront her because he's married, she says it's nothing, they are just friends, he loves his wife, she has met his wife, etc, etc.
But, it fits her pattern from two years ago. Another man is nice to her, she decides that the grass is greener 'out there'. Other people are happy, she deserves to be happy too. Never mind that I've been dying for the past year after I gave all I had to get her out of her mess.
So, here I am. Unlike the last time, this is not a 'DB'ing situation. It's time for me to put everything I have into me and detach from her as best I can. Last time I 'fixed' everything. Except myself. Then I repeated my own fall and she bailed when I was at the bottom.
Even my counselor, who helped us DB last time said that she is toxic to me right now, and I need to get away from her. She said that W knew I was on the edge of my own crash a year ago and was told she needed to help me because I had lost a lot of my 'self' by being selfless and caring for her during the affair.
It's been 4 weeks since she decided she was 'done'. During that time I have had to find out what to do to fix my own stuff, while having the added weight of divorce put on my shoulders.
Financially we're really bad off. I'm slowly able to work on projects but in the beginning of January I had reached my bottom, realized that she wasn't going to help me in any meaningful way and finally set about a course of action that would get me feeling better. But then this happens so instead of being better off by now, we're worse off.
I don't check her phone records or e-mail for calls or messages. It doesn't matter - I already know from 2 years ago that she is capable of having an affair if she thinks it will 'make her happy' so why bother confirming it or not. Just knowing she CAN is enough.
We are coordial at home, but sometimes I am more 'brief' with her than other times. When that's the case her response is to be angry at me. I do my best not to talk to her if I can avoid it.
Sometimes I will feel more friendly and joke or talk with her more and she becomes friendlier. There have also been times when I've been really upbeat and she has seen other women pay attention to me. Later at home she does weird things like 'dance around' within view of me, like she wants me to notice her.
She has friends who have been through the last 2 times where she's 'tried' to leave, including the affair. They have always supported her because she has 'suffered' so much.
Well, that's it. Instead of normal DB'ing where I do everything to be 'nice' and supportive of her decisions I have been advised by everyone on the board I know, and our counselor, to let her go and focus on building up my own self esteem so I can be stronger when the divorce starts and be able to take care of the kids, since W is unable to financially.
As an aside, she hasn't done anything concrete to increase her income so she can support herself. I guess she thinks that she has time since we are 'holding off' till June so as not to disrupt the kids school. We sleep in the same bed but she keeps distance between us. Sometimes during the night she may roll towards me and her hand touches me and she doesn't immediately move away. Means nothing I guess, just interesting.
Sometimes she calls me to tell me where she is and what her schedule is for the day. She may start out with a happy 'hi!' and if I respond to her comments and questions with indifferent tones she will slowly get angry in her tone of voice.
I've been going out at night, usually to call a friend for support, and I tell her I am going to Borders for coffee or something (she always asks where I'm going).
So, she doesn't like me to be detached. Last time I was her best friend. This time I can't put myself through that again.
Counselor says she thinks that she is afraid to leave (W said she was finally strong enough to leave me, she was afraid before because she didn't think she could support herself) but she wants to make sure I will still be there for her when she is on the 'other side' of the door.
It's hard. She has some divorced girlfriends who she has started going out with on some nights to a Salsa Dance club. She told me she was going tonight and asked me if it interfered with my plans. I just told her "I'll be home".
It still hurts. I want to do SOMETHING to fix it but I do realize that I need to stick to my current plan to fix ME. AmyC said to me "When is someone going to be afraid they might lose FRANK?"
I don't know if she will ever get to that point, but I need to get to the point where I FEEL like I am worth fighting FOR, instead of leaving.
