Thanks Cinders, UD, OC and peace. I do think I am detaching from the situation better. Although I haven't yet mastered detaching from H and where he is in all of this. To use S5's gaming term, I think I've 'leveled up'. I still want my M to work out in the end. But now it's more like: It would be nice if that were to happen. I'm not actively pursuing it. I know it's in everyone's best interest for us to work through this, but there is nothing I can do until there's an offer from the other side wanting to do the same. I guess it's like waiting for your dream house to go up for sale. You can let the owner know a million times that you want to buy it, but until he wants to sell, there's nothing you can do to get that house. So do you sit outside the gate and wait or do you go and build your own dream house?
Been having major insomnia lately, despite being completely exhausted. All the lies H has told keep running through my head. Now that he knows I know the truth about most of them, it's no wonder why he can't look at himself in the mirror. It'll be a long long time before my H ever wakes up. I don't know why I even bother with giving it another 6 months because it just won't be enough. For me, I guess.
In a complete coincidence (or whatever you may believe), I came across the philosophical term 'akrasia' - the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will. If I filed now, I'd be acting akratically. If I know that D is not in my best interest, why would I file for D? I've never heard the word before and am fascinated by it now. For any other geeks out there, google it. On the other hand, I honestly believe in MY situation, that the only chance I ever have of reconciling is by filing for D and moving. Just have to keep taking it one day at a time.
S5 has been a complete angel lately. I wasn't feeling well (caught whatever S2 has) and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, he had showered himself and S2 and even put S2's diaper and pyjamas on! In the morning, he woke up first and got S2's milk for him and got their breakfast ready. That's more than his father has ever done! (But to tell you the truth, I was completely mortified at first, thinking I had become one of those totally dysfunctional moms who forces their children to parent themselves!) He wanted to show me something on Wii - it was my Mii surrounded by S5's and S2's Miis on either side. He said 'Look - you're the queen and we're your protectors'. Don't think I've ever been called a queen before. Nothing beats hearing that from your child.
