Just checked in on your sitch. Glad your SIL is there for you. I just found out that my SIL knows, but she hasn't said a single word to me. Aunt stopped by the other day, though, and offered a tremendous show of support, which felt amazingly good.
I don't know if I'd go too overboard on the exposure of the A that some people are recommending. Remember that if you work things out you'll have to face these same people in a different light.
I think it's entirely reasonable for C to claim conflict of interest.
What I've been doing is trying to maintain a balancing act with re: to all the advice I've been reading. The whole thing is extremely difficult and hurts like hell and it's like that for everyone, but I can't see how my sitch is exactly like anyone else's, so need to take some things, leave some things.
I liked Choc's advice on the plan. In my recent convo with my WAW, I said I couldn't offer her the newness and excitement of OM, but we'd had conflicts and worked through them and she hasn't experienced that yet with OM. I could offer her stability and support and she doesn't know what to expect with anyone else. When it was framed in the right context, WAW responded pretty well to that. What's the choice, live alone and return to the dating scene only to find out she made a big mistake?
I'm no expert, just trying to find my way through the rollercoaster-maze. lodo
Hey TMB, just wanted to welcome you to the board, and can't say much more than what has been said. Sorry you are here, but its a wonderful resource/support.
PS: My H's A was with my friend from a playgroup. We flow in the same circles as well. Oh yes, the joy.
Sorry I have been away for a bit. This issue in my head has been working overtime and I neglected to post my updates here.
Life is hard, but life is good.
A couple of days ago, I wrote the OMW a letter telling her everything. On day 2 after the I bomb was dropped, I was 'promised' that the OM was going to tell his W. He didn't do it. I had given the OM, or my W, 12 days to tell the other innocent person involved, but they decided they would keep their A going instead. So, I decided I could not be any part of their lie anymore. I was betraying the OMW by enabling my W and OM to continue their fantasy world. The OMW had the right to know.
I consulted with many people on this. Friends, family, counselors. They all said in unison: "She has a right to know."
It was the second hardest thing I have had to do in this sitch. (The first being the discovery and confrontation of the A.) The OMW was upset. More mad than sad. The reason? This is NOT the first A he has had on her!
My W was majorly pissed that I blew the lid off the fantasy world. She has let me know that this whole mess is my fault, and I am a bad person for wrecking TWO marriages. But, you know, I know, and God knows that I didn't make this mess or choose adultery. They did.
My intentions of informing the OMW wife were in NO WAY vengeful or evil-spirited. In fact, just the opposite. To this day, I remain committed to saving my family and marriage from this awful series of events. Deep down, I know my W is a GOOD person who got caught up in a BAD sitch. I do not want a divorce. I only want to fight for my family, marriage, wife and life.
I know the road ahead is long, and very well may lead us to the place I don't want to go. But I will tell you this, the day I told the OMW what happened, is the day I regained my dignity, pride and self-confidence back. Regardless of the outcome, I know I will be a better person for the rest of my days because for the first time in a long time, I did the RIGHT thing.
Thanks to all of you for the help, GREAT advice and prayers. I have been given strenght from within, but not without the help from a new, wise FRIEND. Choc has been there for me every step of the way and I am forever thankful.
I can tell you all that TMB deserves the props for the inner strength and courage that he has summoned up this week. We all know that The Choice is ultimately our wayward spouse's to make, and that we don't get to control it.
We DO, however, get to choose what to do about it, and where to draw our own boundaries and lines of personal integrity. I let the decision be his, but TMB no longer was going to allow those who were lying and cheating set the agenda or the timeline for what was going to affect so many kids.
I can tell you all, TMB has nutted-up BIG time and faced down some fears as I've watched him grow before my eyes. I told him yesterday morning that I think it's time for a new username for him, because he has become a man of ACTION. I'm thinking
Well done for telling the OM's W. I was the OM's W and was the last to know. It went on for ages before anyone told me. I wish I had known sooner - I salute you for your bravery.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I really don't know what the future holds. A couple of days ago, I was just about ready to accept whatever fate was presented to me. I thought I had no options in this matter. I thought I was supposed to sit there waiting, wishing for some magical easy solution to come along. Maybe my W would have said, "honey, I am sorry, I love you dearly, let me make it up to you by loving you forever and ever." But she didn't say that, she instead continued her A.
Well, I learned that the 'Big I' is probably one of the dirtiest, ugliest parts of human nature. Facing down that reality helped me realize that I don't want to be a passenger on a bus that is on a road of lies and unhappiness. But, if I can drive the bus, I could steer it back to a road of honesty, faith and wholeness. If there are those (my W) that wants to get off that bus, then they have the free will to do so. But I am afraid if they get off the bus now, they aren't going to like the neighborhood they are in, and I am afraid the bus of redemption might not make a stop in that neighborhood again....
DMB (sorry, you are now "DoingMyBest" to me, pal),
I'll take your vehicle analogy one step further. Your wife has not only made the foolish and unilateral decision to hop off your bus (and yours says "CHARACTER" above the front windshield, much as they say "CHARTER"), but she and OM have decided to hop in an old muscle car and DRIVE (not merely "get off") hell-bent into the most dangerous part of town.
As a wise friend put it to me when I was going thru my chit:
"They don't even realize yet that the car -- as sexy as the body looks on the outside -- has no engine."
Hang on, brother -- there's a reason why this is called "the roller coaster."
- Choc., who just mixed yet another mode of transportation into the analogy
