Plan - 1) When I drop-off 5D at WAW's, I will say my good-byes to 5D on the sidewalk. I will be prepared to drive off when WAW answers 5D knock on the door. - this is something that I did in the past that seemed to help. 2) When I pick-up 5D from WAW's, especially before church on Sunday, I will have to kind of feel my way. I have to knock on the door and 5D is usually not ready. Lately, she's offered to let me come-in. Hard to give her space when she offers to let me in. I could use some insight here...it is going to be like this for the next 3 or 4 Sundays at least. 3) Otherwise, continue what I am doing, leave her alone, and GAL.
My plan is to continue to give her lots of space and not talk to her unless she initiates it.
However, when I pick-up 5D for church on the next several Sunday's I will have to knock on the door. She has been inviting me inside for the last several Sundays and usually chit-chats about something. This basically screws up the darkness and the space that it seems she wants. She is so confused and I just cannot let her to continue to warp my mind with her mixed messages. Such as calling me for a lame reason and then telling me "have a happy birthday". It felt like something a LBS would do and not the WAW.
So, any advice on how to approach 5D pick-ups would be greatly appreciated.
Yeah, that's about all it is going to be. It'll be an awkward let me come inside the house, obvious WAW in the dumps, followed by waiting for 5D, and then a simple polite goodbye. Not really anything else I can do but give her space. Hopefully, she continues to notice that I am making good choices, great dad to 5D, and decides to get out of that castle and check out the picnic.
Well, 5D left her school shoes when changing for dance class. So, letting 5D knock on the door and driving off was kind of goofed. WAW had just arrived home and I told her. She said to not worry about the dog and just go get the shoes in a nice sweet way. I got the dog inside anyhow and said, "he's inside I am gone."
When I arrived back with shoes, I said something smells good in here, referring to dinner smells. She smiled then WAW asked about a toy I had gotten 5D two days before. I went to truck, which was running, to get it. She followed me out, watching dog, chit chatting about what 5D ate for dinner, went and check the mail, etc..I realized I was just standing on the sidewalk and thought "time for you to get in the truck and go". So, I did just that. I told her 5D school clothes might need to be hung up to knock the wrinkles out and she said did I bring panty hose for 5D. I said no, I thought you had some. She said well I don't think so. I said, "well, I'll be out so let me know and I can pick-up some." She looked down at the ground when I said that and continued, "it's no big deal, I can put in the mailbox or something." She then said she had some and to not worry about it. I drove off. Felt good to throw that "I'll be out" in the conversation. Wasn't doing anything on note but she noticed I was doing something.
That's the forth time she has asked me about something for 5D, only to then tell me she had it taken care of. Weird. It's like something a LBS would say to extend conversations.
Also found out she queried 5D about where we went for my B-Day and what my plans were after. Interesting.
Here's how I established "structured darkness". When W moved out of the house I changed the locks - I have not set foot in her apartment nor have I invited her into "my" house since (8 months now)
The kids are dropped off and picked up at school (a few exceptions when they are sick, holidays, etc.) and we each have them an entire week at a time. I insisted on this so I'd have more peace of mind and the kids more structure/routine. When I have to go to her apartment I go with the kids upto the security entrance to the complex and when they are safely inside her apartment I leave - likewise if I pick them up from there - cell phone comes in handy too. Of course I have a D11 so you will most likely need to get your W on the line with a D5 and the swapping may need to be more frequent.
There was very little need for direct communication with W - most of it happened by occasional e-mail, lawyers letter or the kids. More recently (last 2-3 months) I've been able to talk to W directly without her exploding or attacking me - not sure where its going and I'm walking a fine line between pursuit and detachment. OM seems to be on the sidelines now tho' there are other more casual enablers. Like it or not D5 will be one of the communication media.
Hope this helps at least to give you some perspective instead of free advice.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I really appreciate it fb2. We are on a 4 day rotation with flexibility because of her work schedule. So, the pick-ups from school and the drop-offs at WAW are easy. It's the pick-ups for church on Sunday mornings that are more difficult. It actually seems she is initiating simple topics to keep me lingering such as needing school uniform stuff like pants, belt, panty hose, toy, whatever for 5D then telling me she has it taken care of. Or to leave a voice mail for a lame reason only to tell me "have a happy birthday". It is likely she will invite me inside for 3rd Sunday in a row. As you point out, perhaps I should show her that I am stronger and more detached and just stay outside while I wait for 5D. I already plan on purchasing next months church clothes to send Saturday avoiding some issues for a month. I just feel like if I do not maintain some sort of "structured darkness" she will continue to bring up lawyer stuff, just strengthening her resolve to end things.
Thoughts, last Saturday WAW said something that just puts the guilt back on me - you are happier without me.
I am considering sending a card in about two weeks to say something to the effect of ...
I was the only one that could make me happy. I can't let my happiness depend on others. So, yes I am happy now, but not because you aren't with me. I still care for you and want you in my life to share in this happiness.(quote from bhopeful picnic analogy)
Maybe say "I've learned the only person that can make me happy is myself and I can't let my ... " blah blah. Perhaps, add something as to making positive choices like no games, internet, etc...but I think that makes it too long and WAW might already know it.
