When we went to a marriage counselor last year, I took the initiative the whole way. I asked for the counseling, I identified and set up the appointment, I led the discussion. It felt to me like I was pushing the whole time. My wife's attitude was grudging, at best. She actually liked the counselor, mostly because she focussed completely on talk, and was not interested in setting goals. My wife is very averse to sexual matters, so an approach where we can talk about our relationship without talking about our sexual relationship, or without changing our behavior outside the counselor's office, suites my wife just fine.
Something W said to me this time is telling. She doesn't know what to say to the counselor. When it comes time for me to talk to the counselor, I know what I want to accomplish and what I am looking to get out of the process. This time around, I want her to think deeply about what she wants out of counseling. What problems does she have with how I behave toward her? Does she have deep wounds that need to heal before we can move forward? What are her feelings about sex in general? About sex with me? None of these are my questions. They are her questions, and she needs to own them. You have described the process that you went through in discovering your own sexuality. My wife will need to go through the same kind of process. If she is not interested in formulating the problem from her own POV, won't the process be one-sided on my part?
I am dubious about the value of marriage counseling. Of course I want change, but I am also ready to accept things as they are. My wife is the one who said she does not want a divorce. She can back that up with action. She is naturally inclined to think that if we don't talk about it, the problem will go away, just as it always has before. I won't let that happen again. I am open to seeing if she is reaady for change. But with as much as I've done to make things better for us, to become a better and more functional person, I really think it's her turn to pick up the rope.
FWIW, I think she is more willing to act this time than last time (or I could be deluded). This morning she apologized to me for snapping at me when I brought up couseling. Last year, I did plenty of leading and just didn't see much following on her part. I don't want to push. I am trying to pull, gently. If she drops the rope, I want to see why, and get her to look at the obstructions, and reach a consensus on how we can break through together.
Thanks for your input.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
