w8ing, I too spent more time with the kids becuase of STBX's lack of invovlment and ignored STBX in the process. With regards to our M I regret that, although I don't regret the time I spent with the kids.
STBX was ALWAYS working, if not working he was sleeping or watching TV, this too drove me nuts. I would practically beg him to spend time with us, to do something, go somewhere, take a walk or play a game. He usually (all except rare occassions) had no interest. If there was a family party for work we would go and he would put on a show of being an invovled dad or leave me to watch the kids while he had a good time with the people from his office.
And BND is right, I forgot all about some of this stuff for a long time after the bomb. I was so desparate to get my H back I would put up with anything not to lose my M.
I'm not saying I want a D, I never have wanted one. I believe we could have worked things out if we both changed our ways some. But I have come to realize that I am not willing to be second best again. That although I wanted STBX to love his job I wanted him to love his family more. I don't know if he was capable of that.
A friend of mine said that her FIL was not a great to her H and his family. In his 2nd M he made all the changes his first family had wished for. He was a very invovled stepdad, very attentive H. She said that it is possible that STBX knows what he messed up on the first time and is being a great H and stepdad to ow and her kids. I find that vey hurtful, that he could possibly do that when he couldn't try with us. I'm not saying that he is, I have no way of knowing. But if he is, it should be HIS kids he makes the effort with.
BND, I have to print out that recipe! If they taste anything like the ones I had yesterday they are heavenly!!!!
Our family friend did come and take us out to breakfast today. He is such a wonderful man, very thoughtful and caring. I asked him how the ow was when he met her. He thought about it and said his wife would tell him to tell me something to make me feel better, but he wanted to be honest with me, not to try and make me feel bad, but he was very impressed with her. He said she was really very nice and very attentive to my kids. He did say that he realized some of that was probably for show but that it should comfort me a little that she was kind to my girls. I understand that and I am glad she is not mean to them. But still.
To this, I have to say........he is a man and men don't and CAN'T see women as another woman can !!!!!! If you know what I mean ?! I think you could get a more honest and ACCURATE opinion from a woman friend !
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I have also decided to try and not compare myself to ow. She might look like a movie star (per D9), have loads of cash, a great job and be really nice. (why can't she be the typical cow of an ow??????)
sweety she could be the QUEEN of sweetness and compassion and love and sexyness and WHATEVER, so long as your H has a crisis, it does not matter what she is, for she is just being 'used' as a part of the crisis...she is not important in this...
I know it's hard to see that, I often struggle with it too..but really Shades, we are moms and love our children and H's so very much ! I think loving means setting free...that is TRUE love...
Take care and by the way, those pancakes sound so YUMMY !!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I remember feeling so down about myself all of the time and felt so worthless.
I have felt this way for a long time, especially after finding out "how great" ow is. Blech. It seems that every time I started to feel good about myself something would happen and it would be like a kick in the gut all over again.
I think going to work, even though it's a job I don't really want and doesn't pay fabulously, will make me feel better. It will give me something to do and I think make me feel like I am contributing to life and my independence a little.
What I would really like to do is be able to work part-time and go to school. I will talk to STBX about that if he gets a job that will pay enough to cover everything.
Sure I will miss my kids and miss volunteering in their classes, but I have to do this and it will be okay.
STBX called D5 back today and neither one of them felt like answering the phone, so I let it go to vm. I always encourage them to talk to him but I am tired of telling them they HAVE to answer the phone.
Again - the OW are not better than us. I don't care what they look like, what their personality is like, what they do, how much they earn, what they drive, who they know, etc.
They, at some point, knew that they were going after a married man. Maybe not at the beginning, but at some point they knew and they continued.
That does not make them better. It makes them worse. They are no longer beautiful, they are ugly. They are no longer successful, they are desperate. They are no longer intelligent, they are stupid.
You do not go after a married person. Period.
If you do, you are scum. Period.
It is wrong and no matter how much someone tries to make it look right, it is still and will always be wrong. Sh*t wrapped up in a Neiman Marcus box with a pretty bow is still just sh*t.
I have always wondered WHEN he started seeing her. He told me it wasn't until 5 months after we were separated. If that is true does it make it better?????
I have my suspicions that he was seeing her before that however. He often said he was "working", out with clients in NYC until 3am. He did have a job that he had to entertain clients but until 3am??? Come on. After he dropped the bomb he told me he was talking to a woman in a bar one night (before the bomb) and she had asked if he was M and he said no, then he felt bad about it (ha!). He felt bad about it because someone could look him up on the company website and read that he was M with kids. Niiiiiice.
But yes, at some point she knew he was married and had children. He could have told her that we were getting D, he could have told her all kinds of things. But she knew there was a W and kids somewhere. When his mom didn't want to meet her, when she wasn't invitied to D9's Communion, she knew. Maybe he told her I was alright with the D, even wanted it, does that make it better??????
Going to go to D9's class and do a food craft today. We're making snowmen out of powered donuts and all kinds of other sugary stuff. They'll love it.
