Confusion of a WAW (Thread 6)

[Just_Me]

Well, we just had a pretty stressful R talk - W was upset that when she came to me today with a problem I didn't step up and help her (to use her words). She said that I never solved problems when we were together, and that I'm still not. Guess I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't

Yep, classic damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's impossible to know what is right. I think her "solution" would be for you to bail her out financially. And I think it still shows her mindset that she would generalize about how you don't help solve problems and refer back to the marriage.

One thing that occurred with me was that I was being too aloof and doing too much LRT and GAL. My W complained that it appeared I didn't care and that I was fine with all of this. I debate that with myself and in the long run I think it wouldn't have made a difference if it appeared I was still hanging on to her as tight as possible. That wasn't the place she was at. I think she was upset that it appeared I was fine with the seperation/pending divorce, but that she still didn't want me. She just wanted to feel wanted. If she was really interested, she would have made an effort to get me back, not just complaining one time and then proceeding with divorce. That isn't what you do when you are having second thoughts.

I get the sense your wife is in a similar place. I think she's upset that you don't seem still crushed by this, as though that speaks about how much she meant to you (which would help the old self-esteem), but if you flat at told her that you'd be with her in a heartbeat, she'd backpedal pretty fast and remind you that it's over. It's all part of not reading too much into what they have to say, and not believing everything they say at face value.

That being said, I think you should probably say, "I'm sorry I didn't help you through this. If you want to work through it I'm here." But I really think she probably wants more than words and advice from you. She probably would prefer cash. Nothing like giving you a mini-bomb to help grease the wheels. You'll have to decide for yourself how you feel about that, but she should understand that divorced people don't bail each other out financially. Would she give you the money for a big credit card bill if you were the one that was fiscally irresponsible? Why does she need an attorney? Doesn't she actually owe that money to the credit people? Maybe she should look into those companies that help with credit problems to work out cheaper payments and lower interest rates rather than trying to fight a debt she owes.