Hi, I am writing from Australia so imagine that this is arriving at some ungodly hour but I felt compelled to write to you. I have been lurking on this board since January 2006 and logged on briefly once before but your story "inspired " me to comment.
My H left me and was able to recite a list of all our arguments and all my wrong doings through out our marriage - I like to think I didn't keep a list but he obviously did!
Having said that - when we use to argue - I was quick to fire up and lash out and he would say I cant take this - I thought he was "just saying it" after all every one fights ...dont they? Mind you I never called him names or said anything about him as a person I just (in retrospect) felt scared and would fight to win because losing was not option (that was then...if I knew then what I know now.....)
As time went on I realised my flare ups and his slow burns meant that we were different people. what i could get over in half an hour would take him days...we were both sensitive people but in different ways. Our fights impacted on him in a way they never impacted on me.
Since this glaring obvious but new to me revelation I have spoken to other people who have described the same situation one partner fights and flares up and forgets and forgives and the other is traumatized with the damage being long term and far reaching.
so for my $0.02 have a think about how you have interacted in the past - it is painful but you can possibly learn a lot about yourself, her and your relationship.
I am divorced now, very reluctantly on my part, but I can say hand on heart we both made mistakes and I have done my best to understand things from his POV. I was a good wife, CEO, worked full time, bought up two step kids full time (they had different mums but lived with us 24/7 private schools the lot!) looked after our finances, paid the bills you name it superwoman did it! But I never really understood him. I think I understand him better now than I ever did when we were married! He was on a pedestal for me - problem was that people on pedestals are not "allowed" to have faults and being on a pedestal is a pretty lonely scary place....
my suggestion is "seek to understand her point of view before you attempt to "make" her understand yours. Don't expect her to meet your needs if you will not listen, understand and and meet hers"
second suggestion validate validate validate!!!!
I spent the first year begging pleading and crying the second year trying to understand what happened, ho relationships function and what grown up v childish love looks like the third year working out who I was/am 2008 - year 4 is the year of me Good luck and I hope this helps
