Last Sat, I was going to discuss with W the summary doc I wrote up when I talked with my lawyer. I showed her the paper and she ended up keeping it. In it, I noted that my lawyer said that no way she could get anything from my company or spousal support - he would supoena the OM if necessary to prove he is paying for her well being. I also noted that my lawyer referred to her lawyer as a baby lawyer because of her inexperience. He did say my W's lawyer was a nice lady - just a bit new in law for Oregon.
Anyway, I asked W tonight what she thought about the main thing in my summary note of my lawyer talk - which is us going to a really good mediator that both he and the senior lawyer of W's lawyer firm recommended so as to save us money and to help keep us amicable during and after the D. W just looked at the ceiling and looked so depressed. She did not say anything for a while so I prompted her with "I cannot read your mind". She muttered something like "whatever" and "you have total control". I saw immense sadness and uncertainty in her face. I asked her if she was now thinking it was wrong to get a D. I asked various hypothetical questions about our R and whether it could be saved. She now thinks it is too far gone because she bought mattresses ($200) for the kids and OM had already bought them new beds and a dresser. I told her that you cannot give up on a M because of the investment of a few thousand dollars to legal fees and kids furniture. I asked her if she still loves me. She said nothing, but I could see from her face that there is huge regret of loss.
She thinks that she will always become angry at times. I told her that anyone can change their behaviour if they desire. I also told her that if she cannot change, she is going to have other failed R's. She even told me that D5 told her that I was going to find a prettier girl than her. And that the kids had said something nice to be polite about the handsomeness of OM.
Now I know my brother reads this and wants this ordeal over for me, so he will probably stop by this week and whack me with a short 2x4. It is true what Michelle says - friends and family just want you to dump the WAS for what they have put you through. So, when W was leaving the house tonight, we held each other in the entry way and had a long passionate series of kisses like we had not had in a very long time. I whispered in her ear that I loved her and then I turned around and behind us was D5 with a picture of a red heart she had just drawn and colored. I saw that and a tears started swelling in my eyes.
I dont know what is going on in my W's head. It all sounds so typical to the stories of others. I just hope my W goes to see a C to help her sort out her problems in her mind. She is one confused girl. And her confusion causes me confusion. I dont like being in limbo between getting a D which I have never wanted or waiting indefinitely for her to figure out what she wants in life. For now, I will just give her some time to think before pushing for the meeting with the mediator. We have until the end of March before we could get legally D's anyway as that is when our required "Kids Turn" classes end.
