Yes, I freak out and I check stuff and grill him about it and excuse it because of what he's done. What he's done shouldnt' give me excuse to behave like a prison sergeant.
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How about saying you need a separation for you, to clear your head, to do some thinking (you centered, kind of like "I" statements)
guilty as charged, I was loading up with lots of "he has to do such and such for our upcoming MC session. I guess I am a bit controlling, I am insisting he goes to return that phone tomorrow, in my defense it is the only thing I've insisted he'd do, half because I dont' want to pay another bill, half so he doesn't have to use it to talk to her, then again, if he wants to talk to her he will.
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I do want to work on things but I need to feel safe before I can and I need this space to feel safe."
I think this statement describes what I'm feeling best, better than my laundry list of demands.
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"I do want to work on things but I don't think we can until your relationship with the OW is over. I'm not going to tell you what to do, I'm letting you know what I'm going to do."
OK, so no orders to let go of her, maybe I won't bring up the fact that I found a search he did online about "fake divorce papers". Truly, this is not the man I knew.
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...hurdles he has to cross first, etc. He chose what he wanted, you chose what you want.
It is a hard habit to choose, to point him in the right direction, to look over his shoulder to make sure he does "the right thing".
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I guess if you could give him an allowance and he had no way to touch Your money AND he could spend his money however he wanted to, that might work, but... think about separating your finances some more..
I will try. The problem is we have a few joint loaded credit cards and that it'd be hard to get rid of them if we separate. We both know he is not very good with his money and either we keep it together or we do a separation for real, which will be very very messy because we have everything joint. I will do some more thinking though and will ask him how he feels about me still handling the finances. And deep inside me it makes it less "permanent" if we keep our finances together, I know I know, I shouldn't fool myself, I'm scared I guess.
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Financial matters can soon be put back to how they were.
Yes, *sigh*, they can. I guess I am still trying to hold on to him in that way. I had told him that i needed to see all receipts of purchases not on the budget he'd get when he is away. More controlling on my part, arghhhhhhh!!, and I guess that's the problem w/joint finances, I don't want it to be a leash on him but I guess it sort of is. We both agreed that nothing was set on stone and that we'd adjust accordingly.
LN, what a creepy story, the woman sounds as nuts as ow. Guess H still is too guilt ridden to see straight and wants to lay it off gently to also have a "clean" conscience even if that means more lying. He just does not want to understand that the truth will set him free.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
