She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

Neither of us has filed nor is there any immediate plan for that, oddly enough.

It's funny you ask though because I was going to add to some thoughts about this to my thread.

W's reason for not moving forward is because we live in a community property state (you've gone further in this process than I have so maybe you have some insight into this). Our C told us that in order for us to get the D, she would need to get an "allowance" that will help support her and the kids and the only way that could happen, given our financial situation, is if we sell the house. Something she refuses to have happen because I bought it from my father.

So she is waiting for one of the following (maybe more options than what I've come up with):

- She isn't 100% sure about leaving the marriage
- She wants to wait until she has a good enough job to support herself and the kids without any input from me
- She's waiting for a new "soul mate" to pick her up, along with all of her debts

Right now she is definitely cake-eating. This is killing me because she says she wants out but is taking no action and she isn't exactly working stellar hours to support herself (in our home) let alone a separate household and 3 kids.

If given the opportunity she will probably stay here until she gets her associates degree because she feels that will get her a decent job in the field. Meanwhile she obtains all of her validation and ego boosts from strangers on the internet ("they're not strangers, they're friends, I talk to them outside of the game too - MySpace, emails, etc.")

It's a tough sitch right now because I can't figure out which way to turn here. Do I just ignore her or do I push for some kind of movement? NUTS.

[Michael Mc C]

W started school Tuesday and really enjoyed getting back to classes because her brain had been "getting soft". After class we sat for about an hour and discussed her syllabus and the topics they went over (endothermic critters vs. ectothermic ones). We spent the rest of the evening hanging out playing a game. Around 11 pm she went online to play her "other" game for about half an hour.

This is how things USED to be with us. Her online game was almost always an afterthought - it was in the summer (go figure, OM came around about that time) that it became an addiction.

Wednesday I received a text from W while I was at the client's office. She was dropped from one of her classes because of a miscommunication regarding pre-requisites. Needless to say she was pissed. On my way home I caught myself trying to come up with solutions to her dilemma so instead I decided to simply listen, validate and provide advice/support if requested.

That worked like a charm! Instead of me telling her what she should do, or telling her what I would do in that situation, I listened, validated her feelings and I reacted perfectly. Oh, and I maintained eye contact! It's amazing what can be missed in a conversation if you don't keep that eye contact.

So we spent the entire night together again. We bought Guitar Hero for the kids so W and I played all night long and we had a blast. Good natured competition, a little horseplay, she even took a picture of me playing (she stopped taking pictures of me a LONG time ago...)

She didn't log on to her game at all last night.

At bed (couch) time, she told me "Tonight was a lot of fun. Thank you."

So a good couple of days. Nice anyway. If it wasn't for that damn "D" word that's been thrown around, I would say that I feel married...

I can feel us rebuilding some kind of a connection - whether it's only friendship or not, I can't judge. I refuse to consider it fixing the marriage but without interactions like this, I doubt she would have much incentive to fix the marriage. Besides, I clearly remember the conversation we had over the weekend in which she told me that D is still the only option for us.

Some things that have changed with her behavior:
* She calls me all the time
* She sends me text messages throughout the day (good news, bad news, everyday run-of-the-mill news)
* She looks to me for advice
* She is again taking time to actually sit and speak with me to catch up on our days
* She has fun with me!!
* She has begun discussing long-term plans for the house

Because of her school schedule I have had to modify ("had" is a strong word I guess...) my schedule for the gym. Tonight will be the first night this week for me there. As much as I've enjoyed out uninterrupted evenings this week, I will make sure I go.

She just called and confirmed that she is able to take a replacement class and won't have to drop the semester. I said (laughingly) "Good, look what happened the last time you got bored!" She said "Yeah, wasted my damn life on EQ <her game>"

[Michael Mc C]

So this week has gone relatively well I think. I have caught myself becoming optimistic about W's latest behavior. While I believe things are going smoother between us I don't want to get pulled back in or to start feeling like we're slowly patching things.

She was at school Friday morning when I felt this the last time. She called to tell me she was on her way home about an hour earlier than expected. I wasn't 'prepared' to see her at that time (sometimes need some breathing room to keep my head straight) so I ran out to the store for a bit. I came home with an upbeat, somewhat aloof attitude and things went great for the remainder of the day.

BIL and his GF came up Friday night and we ended up having 5 other friends show up as well (all women). A few things were noticed by GF and others, as well as myself. Small things of course but worth mentioning.

- BIL brought up creatine for me since I've begun lifting weights. He handed this to W and W gave it to me saying "Here you go love."

- W was showing a video to BIL and GF on my laptop and asked me "Can you see all right dear?"

- W and I were discussing plans for the weekend and she said "So what are we going to do about <whatever> papa bear?" This is something she started calling me about 3 years ago and, of course, stopped calling me sometime around 'the bomb'. She called me this once in Nov after OM first disappeared.

- W gave me a kiss good night (she had to work in the morning and went to bed before we wrapped up the evening festivities)

So... all 'nice' things but nothing indicating a change of heart. More likely a softening of her heart.

BIL's GF and I were talking about this and she said that these are all great signs and that she was very happy for us. I told her that it feels good but I still remember the conversation from the previous weekend. I told her that if I went in and asked W what she was feeling about "D", I knew she would say that it was still necessary. Of course I've learned NOT to ask such things.

I need to continue my GAL efforts and probably need to expand them as well. The gym, so far, is the only consistent activity I have outside of the home so I need to find something more. Not to avoid her but because I find myself sitting here at times wondering what I can do to keep myself busy.

[chocolateeyes]

Michael,

I'm not overly familiar with your sitch, but this sounds to me like EXACTLY the kind of patient, don't-assume-too-much response that all of us should be looking to accomplish. Nicely done.

Chocolateeyes

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks Choc. That patience thing... man, it can wear on ya if you let it.

SO today I have been myself, just plain old Michael. Not a bad thing I have to admit. I completely threw away DB'ing for the day (no deliberate 180, GAL activities, etc.) All in all it went well but now that the day is over, I'm looking back and grading myself from a DB perspective. I had the day off and ended up having a pretty full day.

• Went to the doctor for eyelid 'issues' (xanthelasma - harmless but not very attractive). Paid very close attention to the doctor's comments and had a number of stories to tell my wife about the new doc. 'A+' on a 180 here - I can tell a hell of a story but have had trouble making a doctor's visit sound interesting...she loved the stories.
• Our dog went missing on Saturday evening. I called a few places on Sunday (all closed). Tried again this morning after dr. visit (wife was napping). I found him and bailed him out - $50. Got home and W woke up very happy to see him. I, too, was very upbeat. I would give this a 'B' on doing a 180. I am NOT an animal lover, more of a liker - my mother was a cat breeder so we had about 22 cats when I was a kid, now we only have 6... I admit that he (the dog) is not my favorite pet (hope that doesnt' come across wrong...) but I know how important he is to the family as a whole. Honestly, I was concerned for him and, of course, for my kids who have been missing him. Regardless of our current sitch, I would have (and have in the past) bailed him out anyway but my feelings this time around were genuine and I didn't complain about spending 50 bucks to bail out "Wife's Dog".
• Wife was working on homework and I decided to go take a nap myself. About 15 minutes into it I realized that I had some projects around the house to do. So I got up and got to work on the latest issue (I broke the ceiling fan after painting the bedroom ceiling a few weeks ago). Anyway, the fact that I did this without any prompting gets me an 'A'. Of course I should have fixed it sooner...
• Was ready to go to the gym and my wife proclaimed (in her fake authoritative voice) "You're not going to the gym, you're going to stay here and watch a movie with me and have some stuffed clams." So I skipped the gym. I made myself available to HER when SHE wanted me to be available. I have a hard time grading this one. I wanted to go to the gym but she gave me what I believe to be a better offer. The doubt comes in when I think about how she would have reacted if I had tried the same thing...
• Heh, heh. Okay, this next one I failed. It goes under the category of 'more of the same' or possibly 'R talk'. When she said "stuffed clams" I couldn't resist the obvious sexual comment/offer... However, she laughed so maybe it wasn't a complete failure.
• Wife went back to homework after the movie and I finally took my nap (on the couch). About 15 minutes into THIS one she woke me with questions about a table she needs to create for BIO. I have ALWAYS helped her with her homework and studying so this was a no-brainer decision for me. In hindsight, however, I again made myself available to her when she needed something. I don't regret helping (it took over an hour) but part of me is asking why the hell I would continue to help her when she insists that we simply can't be married... No grade on this one as I'm still undecided.
• D13 and W were playing Guitar Hero after dinner and D13 asked W "Why aren't you playing EverQuest tonight?" (her online game - the one that started all of this). I looked up from the table and said "Why in the world would you ever question mommy NOT playing the game?" Failed. First of all, there's no reason for me to ever make my D feel like she has done something wrong. She is aware of our situation (and THAT game and the OM). This was a mistake and I let her know soon after that I was sorry if I had made it sound like she had done anything wrong. Secondly this is more of the same behavior from me as far as that game goes...
• W fell asleep on the couch tonight. I walked past her a number of times (she had her BIO book in her lap so I couldn't tell if she WAS asleep). I took the book away, along with the pug (the non-runaway dog) and carried W into bed. She loves being carried to bed. 'A+' for not banging her head on the wall or the door... However, I'm just not sure about the act itself. Here I am "pretending" we're married. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.

Rereading this post I think I'm suffering from "not knowing what the hell is going on in my marriage". She told me a week ago on Friday that divorce is a must and she moved out of the bedroom because we were "blurring the lines". This Friday she calls me "dear" and "love" and "papa bear", she gave me a kiss goodnight and moved back INTO the bedroom.

I have friends that tell me to keep doing what I'm doing. That she's beginning to see reality and she WILL remember the love and will again FEEL the love. Monitor results, monitor results, monitor results. I keep telling myself this. There are no clear cut techniques or answers.

Overall I'd say I passed (but comment to D13 takes away any extra credit). The gym and the interuption to my 2nd nap attempt COULD have prompted me to put my foot down but that would have been simply for the sake of show. The question I have to myself is whether or not I really want her to see what she'll be missing. Part of me feels she MUST appreciate the help, attention and companionship. Another part says she takes it for granted. I have more thoughts on this but hell, this is long enough. Maybe tomorrow...

[LL44]

'A+' for not banging her head on the wall or the door...

LOL!! I think you did great. Don't worry about the comment, sometimes those slip out.

Now...go take an actual nap. hehe

[saffie]

Well, as a W, I think you are doing very Good and would give you A+++++++++

But then I am sane, ( well everything is relative!!!!!!)

[karen43]

Sounds like everything is going great for you! Good for you that you realized your one EQ comment was inappropriate! I would keep working on GAL. It does help me with the patience part, which is one of the hardest things for me. So happy for you!!!Karen43

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you ladies!

Well W has class today and it happens to be her "late" night, coming home around 6:00. I'm going to take Karen's advice to make time for me (GAL) so I'm DEFINITELY going to the gym tonight. With her late night, that means a late dinner. In the past this meant I would skip working out. Not this time though. I need to stay focused on the reason why I joined the gym. If it was so my wife would want to spend more time with me, then job well done (for now). However, it was because I need to work on my own happiness (and health), then I can't let it slip.

[Michael Mc C]

My turn for a song.

So, after the gym tonight I stopped at the store to pick up a bottle of wine. In the parking lot, the following song came on. Not sure who out there is familiar with the group Blue October but this song, 'Hate Me', is one I have heard many times in the past. Tonight was the first time I listened to the words.

Okay, he's talking about drug/alcohol addiction and how it wreaked havoc on his spouse. I think the same holds true for OP addiction as well.

This is the message my wife was giving me at one point and I believe she is starting to deliver again. It's easier, or 'better' for me to move on than it is for us to try to fix what has been broken.

I do NOT get choked up by lyrics (so I like to believe) but tonight it got me. This song reminded me that my wife loves me and she does not want me to be hurting anymore - and that she admits her own faults. It also reminds me that she has feelings of desperation and guilt right now. If I hate her, I will move on and we will all eventually find happiness again. This song is one of her favorites right now.

Some of the sentiments are a bit extreme but the message is clear. It is far from being a happy song...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so [censored] far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you