HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[darkestangel]

Okay, so I did a backslide.

H wrote a blog (I know, I should just stop reading his blogs) about how he called an old friend that he's been avoiding to talk about me. He said he thought his friend was going to be critical, but they were supportive and listened to him, so he felt better about it.

I wrote him back, I know I shouldn't. I've been good about no contact except when he initiates it, or when it involves D3.

Anywho, I wrote,

"H, you wrote how you were avoiding talking to your friend about me, but you don't even talk to me about me. I've been doing the best I can for you, me and d3 in this divorce, but I feel like how I feel is being put on the back burner. It would be nice to have some sort of validation that at one point, we had a relationship where we could talk to each other. I want you to be happy, I just wish you felt comfortable talking to me."

I don't even know why I wrote him the d@mn thing, I'm pmsing (I'm listening to sad songs, crying and eating nachos- that just screams pms!) and I freakin know better. I haven't even brought up anything related to OR/M/D in about 2 weeks, I was doing so good! And I have been seeing small baby steps in this past week. I hope this email doesn't set me back a week.

I could just kick myself! I need to stop reading his blogs. We use myspace, and I took him off my friends list, but I feel like his blog is my only link to how he's feeling. His last blog was so telling! And, with myspace, you have a tagline that runs alongside your picture. He changes his every couple months or so, he changed it today to "Pain, Depression, Violence, Anger, Hate."

I don't know if I read too much into things (like his last blog, which I copied & pasted, and posted on here) or if he's just depressed. I don't know what to think. I don't know if I want him or not, if I can forgive him or not.

I don't even know what I want from him anymore. He's someone I don't know, some man who looks and smells like my old H that I loved so much, but with a different mind and soul.