WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

Yes, I also believe the 'family adventure' is a great idea. I guess some of what isn't so clear is that right now I can not legally do it. It will take some planning & I'm trying to do that. I guess I'm also a little leery doing something very expensive because of our instability at the moment.

I REALLY want to do Retrouvaille with W (wanted to since I discovered it back in Nov). I would book it today if I knew what to do with the kids & how to schedule it in with W's work schedule. If it works out, maybe March.

The weekend (& today) was tough. I've just been really down & anxious to get this whole home detention thing over with. Part of it is that I honestly miss just spending the evenings with the W & kids at home. There have been alot of pressures from many directions lately, so many things I want to do but situation making them tough. Having a hard time dealing with W's emotional withdrawl, too. She still seems like she is seeing things in a negative way, not sure of what she wants or if it will even matter if I do what she wants. Had a not so good conversation on the phone just now with her. We agree on some things but other topics we are the opposite. I really am praying that C helps us move in a forward direction. I feel like I'm running out of time & energy again. W is becoming a little impatient as well. Her feelings are back & forth towards me, she's enjoying her time alone & feeling more awkward around me as of late.

W still has a BIG trust issue, what you are saying, COG, is pretty close to my sitch. I honestly am trying to be the man, be the rock. I do feel like I keep getting stepped on a bit. Nothing big, except I still feel she is taking very little blame for the marital issues (it's all me) & that I never did anything 'right'. That cannot continue if this R is going to work. I can only suck up so much, I feel like a water--logged sponge.

One major hot topic is that I have a very difficult time saying I will never drink again. I tried to explain to W how I look at it, if it means that much to her I am committed to quitting completely. I'm not doing it just for her, I'm doing it for my happiness as well as hers (basically, OUR happiness). I expressed fear that this solution would fix some problems but probably create others. W asked what my plans were if we didn't get back together, I told her I didn't know for sure but I still wasn't going to abuse alcohol like I did over the past few years. She is so persistent that I need to quit completely, forever, regardless if she takes me back or not. I honestly don't feel it's the only alternative & if I was single again I may have an occasional drink. She keeps asking 'what if years from now I wanted to drink...' questions, she doesn't want me to resent her for 'making' me quit. I said I wouldn't resent her, etc. but I can't worry about 'years from now', I care more about OUR happiness and I'm not that 'old me' anymore, alcohol isn't a priority for me. I tried and tried to ease some of her worries but nothing helped. I didn't tell her this but part of my issue is it that everyone I know except for her doesn't think I need to quit for good, yet still I say I'd quit for good if it meant we'd be happy together. I've been doing it for months now without much difficulty... She doesn't get what I'm trying to tell her. She just holds tight to her distrust & fear of the future. I still feel strongly that this wasn't the #1 issue in our M, it's just an easy target...there are other issues that I believe are larger & more difficult to face.

Feeling like I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm not sure how to act around W right now because she contradicts. W wants me to be cheery, happy, affectionate but when I try to give her my affection it's all about me wanting sex. I try to tell her that that is not my intentions but she 'feels' that way & wants me to back off. It's basically like this for alot of things. She says she enjoys spending time with me but then complains how uncomfortable she feels or that she feels ragged trying to come over all the time. I told her I don't want her to just 'accomodate' me & feel resentment toward me. She says she doesn't 'dread' coming to see me but I just don't know what else I can say or do... I don't know how to explain it very well.. but there seems to be alot of her wanting me to do this or that, but then she says something else in a different conversation. There also seem to be alot of me making changes but her not seeing much of them lately.

And, I've been wondering if I should be giving any ILU's at this point. I was a few weeks ago when things seemed like they were going really well but when W had expressed she was so unsure about her feelings again (wanting me to back off the affection a bit), I stopped saying it in fear of making myself look too 'needy & weak'.