As the book says get your goals revised (if you had any in the beginning, I can't recall) because you had so much progress so far.
Sometimes I tell myself I am lucky beacuse I know how this crisis is going to end (in my case) and all I have to do is get through this hurtfull situation. On the hand, he is in a better state right now, doing what he thought he wanted, but he has no clue how it is going to end, and that should make him really worried and upset... I definitely have the advantage here, right? How does that sound everybody? Try it, it helps...
Thank you for the wonderful post. It made me cry a little. (Good tears though.) I don't think that I have a heart of gold, but thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me to have you say that.
I can't believe that you read my whole story in a single night! I don't think that I could even do that and it's my story.
Your post is a great pick-me-up for when I'm feeling down. I've bookmarked it so I can reread it when things don't feel like they're going right.
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
As positive and hopeful that my situation seems at times, I don't know how it's going to end. I of course want reconciliation, but she has yet to really commit to anything. After all of the contact a week or so ago, she's backed off some. You never can tell what's going to happen next.
We did end up hanging out Friday night for a while. She was really down at first. I tried to keep my PMA up and it eventually brought her around. I did slip a few times though when she would talk about doing things without me. That kind of talk always gets me down. Unfortunately she noticed and called me out on it, so I had to fake it until I made it back to my PMA. The night ended on a good note. I've talked to her both yesterday and today too. She was going to stop by today, but I was gone GALing (snowboarding). So we'll see what this coming week brings.
Thanks for your thoughts, B
PS, It's called the Seven Year Itch...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Didn't get enough sleep and then had an hour and a half drive to work when what I really want to do is sit on the couch, stuff my face with junk food and feel sorry for myself all day...
But that would accomplish nothing. So I find myself here at work, not really working but instead dreaming about what it would be like to not wake up alone tomorrow or go home to an empty house tonight...
Maybe someday, but for now I'll have to resign myself to the reality that I am currently living in. I do know that my dogs will be happy to see me when I get home though. That makes is a little easier...
Sorry about the downer post, but getting it off my chest usually helps boost my attitude...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Oh my gosh!! Your reply to my post totally made me smile. Yay for good tears! I can't believe you bookmarked it, I feel so special!! You have really lifted me up, so if I can lift you in any way, that is an honor & a privilege!
Yes, I read it all in a single night! When I read it in such a short time, it was easier to see the positive trends. I think when we're in the middle of it, each bump feels like a mountain, but when I had the backwards-looking luxury of perspective, I could see bumps for what they were... just bumps! They kind of makes your butt sore, but we survive, right? And we get further down the road towards our goal!
From my P.O.V, your situation looks so good-- you are totally on the right track. Taking things slowly, doing all the right things, and really growing inside, experiencing the inner transformation that is the most powerful of all. And your motivations are so pure, it comes out so clearly in your voice and your story. That is very beautiful! And best of all, your wife is moving towards you. She is opening up to spending time with you and sharing experiences with you and even opening up her heart to you about her feelings. Wow!! Even though the back and forth hurts... you hve come so far. Plus, your wife is very lucky to have you in her life, even if she doesn't act like it all the time. And we are lucky to share your journey on the board!
I am sorry to hear that you are having a not-so-good day. But I actually laughed about the part about staying home and sitting on the couch and stuffing your face with junk food! I think if we can see those urges, we can laugh at them, and they gradually change. And I'm so glad that you have your dogs... I loved reading about how you talk to them and how they have supported you. I think animals actually have really deep intuition about this stuff and when we need to be loved and comforted because we are hurting or broken-feeling. Maybe it sounds weird to say, but sometimes it seems they have better intuition than our own fellow humans!
I was wondering, if I didn't ask before-- what are your goals right now for the R? Could you post them so we could cheer you on as you get closer to them? I know it is still frustrating, b/c the Ultimate Goal of Total and Complete Restoration-Recommitment-Renewal-Reconciliation is not yet reached. I wonder because from my POV you've come so far, so I wonder what your goals were at the beginning, and what they are now? You must have revised them?
Well, a virtual hug for you. I am definitely following your story now!
My dogs are wonderful. They give me all their love and ask for hardly anything in return. Last night I was feeling pretty lonely and was laying on the couch listening to a record when my boy dog came over to me. He gave me a little lick on the forehead and then laid down next to me. Such a beautiful gesture from a seemingly simple creature.
As for goals... I tried setting some when I first read the book. I soon realized that they were too ambitious and abandoned them. I kind of go with the flow right now and it seems to be working. I think that I used the experiment and monitor results more than the setting goals stuff from the book. I suppose that I do set a small goal in my head and work to reach that. Right now I'm working on making contact with W on a regular basis. I hadn't heard from her all day, so I called her tonight. We had a decent 20 minute conversation and she thanked me for calling her, so I look at that as a positive. So that's a small goal accomplished for tonight. Tomorrow's goal will be the same and I'll stick with it until contact becomes a regular thing.
I never really set personal goals but not because I didn't think that I had anything to work on. Instead, I do some soul searching and when I find something that I need to work on I make a change. I'll continue with that change for a while and then will reassess where I'm at. If the change has been helpful and made my life more positive, then I'll stick with it.
I'm sorry if this hasn't been real helpful, but it's how I'm approaching life right now. I think that you're right in that it's hard to see the positives when you're not looking at the big picture. I have to remind myself to be happy even when I'm with her sometimes since it's easy to get caught up with thinking that she'll be gone again all too soon. Thanks for the reminder to look at the big picture.
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Well it's beginning to look like those six days or so of seeing each other and her spending the night was a fluke. We haven't really talked much this week. IM'd a little each day about random meaningless things. Talked on the phone some too. She did finally share some pictures with me that she told me she would back in November. She called me once to ask how the weather was down my way and that was the only reason she called. Another was to ask me how to get her doors unfrozen. I felt like saying (I didn't though) that if she was here she could park in the garage and not have to worry about such things...
I've also been shot down twice with asking her to do things this week. She says that she's been sick. I have to believe her if for no other reason than for my own sanity. I'm going to drop the rope now and let her have her space...
We'll see what tomorrow brings... (Probably just more snow.)
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
