your situation sounds very awkward right now, and probably still very painful.
could i offer one simple thought? if two people truly want to "piece things back together" and enter the repair phase of a marriage, they both have to be acting in good faith. if only one of you is, it isn't likely to work. i don't think your husband is there yet based on:
1) his continuing contact with the other woman.
2) his statement that "you have to work this out for yourself", which at he very least shows he is not yet ready to accept responsibility for how his actions affect you.
3) his self-pitying reference to being punished, also reflecting non-acceptance of responsibility.
as you know from divorce-busting, it is probably not helpful to demand he cut off contact with the other woman. it's a totally different thing, though, to talk about what you will do. don't you have every right to say that until he is really ready to commit to you and take responsibility for what's happened, you have no choice but to emotionally protect yourself? and don't you have every right not to "pursue" him until you sense he is truly ready? and if you say these things with the right tone, he is most likely to see they are simply sensible things any self-respecting person would do.
while i don't know exactly what those boundaries look like for you, i think your self-respect and his respect for you will be higher if you follow them. and certainly, you can't hurt yourself during this time by working indpendently on things that make you a better person and feel better about yourself. i believe if you do these things, and don't pursue someone who clearly isn't ready, you will only become more appealing to both yourself and others.
how do you know when he's ready? turn those things above upside down - which means he realizes he can't see the other woman and expect to truly repair his marriage, and that he takes responsibility for his decisions and actions. i hope for your sake, he does.
