Hanging on to what I believe in!

[ba065]

Ali:

You are right, my H is a confused man...and child like at times. He does moan and complain ALOT.

I am still very emotionally attached...I know!

I agree with you about the 180....but what I'm doing now seems to be working in my favor...for now... we will see in time.

Thanks for your input!

BA

[ba065]

UPDATE......

I haven't been on the board since Thursday, so I have alot of catching up to do to see what you all have been up to....hope to catch up today....sorry...

I just wanted to post a quick update on my sitch...ALOT has changed!

I was off work on Friday...did some running for H...got cars washed, banking stuff, met for lunch etc. H was in a horrible mood...everything was bad...his job, his life, the normal MLC stuff...horrid mood....didn't even know why we bothered to meet for lunch. We had previously made dinner reservations for Friday night and I offererd to cancel them...but H refused, said he wanted to go...why, I don't know since his mood was so bad and I figured he'd ruin the night anyway.

So we went to dinner...it was a fancy place...expensive...food was so-so...had nice conversation surprisingly. H was coming out of his bad mood. Got home about 8:30 and H practically attacked me...was whispering in my ears..calling my name over and over...saying he's made his decision and he wants to stay and work on our R. Of course, I'm elated, however extremely skeptical...worried about the other shoe dropping so to speak.

H moved back into our bedroom...we had IR all weekend. Went hiking, met for lunch on Saturday (H had to work for a couple hours). Went shopping and out for dinner Saturday night...rented a movie (but didn't watch the whole thing...went to bed early). Church on Sunday...H went to work for a couple more hours...(they are swamped at his office right now). Went biking together....H bought me roses..ate dinner at home and went to our country dance class...great weekend...great fun...seems almost normal......THEN....

MOW left two messages on his phone while we were dancing. And I stupidly made the comments about why she was calling again and why she couldn't just leave us alone...we were working on us....H got angry...blah, blah, blah.....he moved out of our room last night...says I don't trust him (well duh)...anyway, I didn't over-react...I had just calmly stated those couple of things about MOW and He went into defense mode. My Bad!!!!

H called this morning...apologized for blowing up....said he loves me and wants to work on us...I apologized for jumping to conclusions and asking questions he wasn't ready to answer. He did inform me that MOW had called for a reason relating to H's work...and when he called back this morning he actually spoke with MOW's husband (which he said was weird...since her H doesn't know about my H and his wife).

This is definitely a one-day-at-a-time thing....and it's going to be hard not to get my expectations up....I need you guys to keep me grounded in reality. I so desperately want this to work out, but I'm suspicious, nervous....all of the things you shouldn't have to be when you are in love. I know H's feelings for MOW aren't gone....it may take a very long time for him to get over her....if ever.... but it seems he's willing to work on us, I just don't know if I trust him or his motives at this point. Any input????

Thanks.

BA

[tmi]

I can imagine that if my H actually said those things, it would be almost impossible to keep expectations low.

DBing advice seems to be not to trust this type of thing until it's been consistent over a longer period of time, to respond with 'muted pleasure' to such overtures - don't shut them down, but don't get overly excited about it either.

I think this may be the hardest part of this part of the process, ba - continuing to stay detached and maintain your changes while you seem to be on the verge of finally getting what you've been trying for such a long time to achieve.

[ba065]

Ingrid:

You are right...I will need to see consistency in his behavior and stay detached myself....like walking a tightrope almost...I just don't want to find myself in position where I feel devastated or hopeless again...I'm trying to be positive and upbeat about this...but I'm also being very cautious!

BA

[Virtually_Handsome]

My, but your rollercoaster has sped up! I can't even figure out if it is good or bad, just different! For the near term, I guess you just hold on tight (to the coaster, not H!) and see where it goes. I guess there's not a lot of choice, there's no steering wheel and no brake!

Good luck, BA!

((((((BA))))))

[ba065]

[transformer]

Dear ba065,

I'm new to your thread but I wanted to look you up because you have been so supportive on other people's threads and I was getting good vibes from you (via the computer screen).

And look what happened to you this weekend! Exciting!! Bewildering! Overwhelming! I think if these things had happened to me, I would probably puke with happiness/nervousness! Seriously.

I don't know that I have anything to offer, because I am in the "no contact" stage myself, and everyone else has already given such good advice, but I am pulling for you...

((HUGS))
T

[ba065]

Thanks T: I've enjoyed reading your posts to others as well...it sounds like you are doing a great job with the DBing and you always offer such great advice to others!

Well, H has moved back into the guest room for now....so he lasted two whole days! Woo hoo!! Now he says...he still wants to work on us....but he needs time alone too. And what is he supposed to do about those feelings he has for the MOW? (supposedly it is over...he claims it is completely over...but still they talk on the phone?) But he just can't figure out what to do with those feelings...even though he said Friday that he knows the feelings are real. ????????? He says that I think he should just forget about em.....although I did not say that...

I told him his feelings are important and he needs to face them head on to get a handle on things.....he hears...you just want me to make you happy even if it means I can't be.... I don't know where he comes up with this stuff....he twists everything around and drives me crazy.

I knew Friday he wasn't done cooking....it's still hard to face it, but at least I didn't allow him to pull the rug out from under me again. I'm getting better at this!

BA

[Virtually_Handsome]

You sure are getting better at this! I hardly recognize you from where you were!

((((((BA))))))

[ba065]

Yeah Jeff...me either! I don't know who I am anymore....I think I'm still a really good person in a really crappy sitch...but everyone here is in the same boat. I say we put all the MLCers in one big boat and the rest of us get in another big boat and the MLCers can commiserate and we can all have a big party
!!!!!!