Helloooo...Smoother Ride....Where Are You???

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

This will be another long post since I haven't been on since Sat. night and I wanted to respond to all the amazing support you've all given me.

On Sunday morning, H came in the bedroom and laid with on the bed me and D3. He didn't say much, just laid there with us. He again, like he did after the blowout while we were at his dad's, was very kind and accomodating to us. He took D3 to the bookstore yesterday, helped us clean, cooked an amazing dinner for us and even wanted the 3 of us to sit at the table together (because of our schedules, we don't always do that). He asked me questions about renting a vehicle (I work for a major rental car co.). He told me that he wants to go to either Omaha or Milwaukee to see Springsteen in March. I couldn't help my mouth and before I knew it, I'd asked him who he was going with. He said, probably myself....why?, do you want to go? D3 had troubles getting to sleep last night and ended up falling asleep with me. H got up early this morning (not like him), coming in and checking on D3, offering to make our lunches....etc. On his way to work, he called asking questions about D3's daycare. Then he called this afternoon too. I wasn't at my desk and he asked where I was and some other general questions, told me about his day....etc. Very friendly. I'm not sure what's going on. Trying very hard not to figure it out, but I can't help it.

So, in response to what I said was your amazing support & comments.......

Strength: I was feeling very strong the other day. I went to look at an apartment. D3 was at a party & H running errands. Now, I still feel stronger than I have, but I'm sad, very sad. I know I can do this. I know I can. Hell, I have to. I have D3 to take care of. I have me to take care of. If I don't take care of me, I'm no good to D3. The additional steps to this being reality is harder to handle than I anticipated.

Cheating: Yes, this is the 2nd time H has cheated. I've always considered a "serial adulterer" as someone who does it just to do it. Maybe that's not right. My H has always been a runner...running from responsibility and problems. The last time H cheated was a similar situation. He just saw my inattentiveness as me not loving him, not wanting him. Not as a result of my being stressed (full-time working mom, working long hours, not seeing him, depressed, overweight). Yes, I made mistakes, but I just couldn't pull myself out of it. Would he do it again? Maybe.

Happiness: H is not happy. I know it's not me making him unhappy. I look back and see how many things have affected him and I know that although some of our situation wasn't good, it wasn't all me that made him unhappy. He's always been selfish. As I said, I saw in me a depressed, overweight, stressed, main/ or at times only income maker, 1st time mom....etc. He saw...Sue doesn't love me because she's not initating or responding like I'd like her too. Yes, I made mistakes. I DID. But I feel like H never sat down and said....honey, what is wrong, why do you feel this way, what can I do to help? I never got that. Yes, I should have said...I NEED THIS. I did ask him to understand and give me time and patience. H's happiness has almost always come when he is made to feel very important, not by helping others feel better. There are times that I feel like I failed for not helping him feel that way, but I also know that he should have understood that life changes when you have a child. At times I feel like he acted/is acting like a spoiled child because he's not getting all the attention any more, jealous of a child he chose to bring into this world.

Yes, my H is pushing things like it's crisis time. I want to/would do anything to stay where I'm at. I cannot afford this place on my own. I would have to get a roommate or find a different place to live. Someone asked if maybe H is pushing me to leave so he can keep this place himself w/a roommmate. I honestly didn't see it that way, but yes, it's very possible. I often wondered why he was asking me if I'd looked to see if there were other units available in our building. I wonder if he's actually thinking that we could separate, but still live in the same complex! Not sure if I could handle that. I told a friend that I wouldn't be able to handle it if I saw OW coming/going or people I didn't know come/go from his place. She reminded me that the way my H is, being that close could result in late night drunk calls from him wanting more too.

Rob- I have to honestly say that your post made me stop and think about this. I didn't stop to realize how many chapters out of the MLC handbook my H had hit on until you listed them. WOW! I know it wasn't easy for you at all, so I don't say this lightly, but to see that you heard each one yourself and you're a success story makes me feel a bit better. I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up because I fear getting hurt so badly again, but it reminds me not to take what H said to me so personally. I thought of so many of you on Sat. night and so many of your posts on each other's threads when I heard H say that OW is not part of our problem and he is not part of OW's problem. That one really threw me. I asked him to honestly tell me that he wouldn't have a problem if it were me that had gotten involved with someone else while with him. He couldn't respond and turned away from me. Maybe I need some MLC literature to help me understand. Even if things don't work out, it would help me to understand why. And yes, I do need to stop letting H's moods affect me. The instant I see his mood change, my changes. My mind clicks into "what does it mean" mode.

Choc., you mentioned a week or so ago that maybe I need the counseling to help me see why I want to be with a man who is cheating, saying the things to me he says....etc. At first I have to admit, I was offended. Now, I think you're right. I do need to seriously talk to my C about me. Yes, I need help with my issues with H, but I need help with me.

NoCode- I do truly consider myself fortunate to have Rob posting on my thread. He's a tremendous help (as is everyone else).

Sheila- You probably saw the answer to your question above. I can't afford this place on my own. But thanks for bringing up the question of whether or not D3 would feel rejected if H stayed there with a roommmate.

lwb, Sara, Saffie, Yoyo, tal, Sally (hope I didn't forget anyone) - You are all so wonderful and amazing to me. lwb, I saw on your thread how you mentioned that coming to this board makes you feel better and helps to know that people understand. Sally mentioned to lwb that she's one of the most amazing people she's ever met, even if it's just been through cyberspace. Saly, you hit that on the head. My mom was confused at how I could become so close with everyone. I told her it's because we're all going through the same pain and it's comforting to know that someone else says they understands how you feel, they actually understand how you feel.

Well, I better get a few other things done. I'm off to grab D3 in 1/2 hour.

Thanks again everyone. I came to you on Sat. night for help/support and boy did you all deliver in an amazing way. That's why I come here!!

SueS