Listen to the master....Rob. Your h is trying to make you move out (as my w told me to last May...still here and getting better), with a D3!!!!
Stand you ground, detached but loving. If he wants out, tell him you will not stand in his way. Live yours and D3's life for the moment, leave him alone to stew in his own juices.
Do not walk...it's what he wants..he can then say 'Look, she left me...I did try.' If he had truly wanted to go, he would have gone.
Be polite, set the ground rules, but your home is your home; he is the visitor at the moment.
This will be another long post since I haven't been on since Sat. night and I wanted to respond to all the amazing support you've all given me.
On Sunday morning, H came in the bedroom and laid with on the bed me and D3. He didn't say much, just laid there with us. He again, like he did after the blowout while we were at his dad's, was very kind and accomodating to us. He took D3 to the bookstore yesterday, helped us clean, cooked an amazing dinner for us and even wanted the 3 of us to sit at the table together (because of our schedules, we don't always do that). He asked me questions about renting a vehicle (I work for a major rental car co.). He told me that he wants to go to either Omaha or Milwaukee to see Springsteen in March. I couldn't help my mouth and before I knew it, I'd asked him who he was going with. He said, probably myself....why?, do you want to go? D3 had troubles getting to sleep last night and ended up falling asleep with me. H got up early this morning (not like him), coming in and checking on D3, offering to make our lunches....etc. On his way to work, he called asking questions about D3's daycare. Then he called this afternoon too. I wasn't at my desk and he asked where I was and some other general questions, told me about his day....etc. Very friendly. I'm not sure what's going on. Trying very hard not to figure it out, but I can't help it.
So, in response to what I said was your amazing support & comments.......
Strength: I was feeling very strong the other day. I went to look at an apartment. D3 was at a party & H running errands. Now, I still feel stronger than I have, but I'm sad, very sad. I know I can do this. I know I can. Hell, I have to. I have D3 to take care of. I have me to take care of. If I don't take care of me, I'm no good to D3. The additional steps to this being reality is harder to handle than I anticipated.
Cheating: Yes, this is the 2nd time H has cheated. I've always considered a "serial adulterer" as someone who does it just to do it. Maybe that's not right. My H has always been a runner...running from responsibility and problems. The last time H cheated was a similar situation. He just saw my inattentiveness as me not loving him, not wanting him. Not as a result of my being stressed (full-time working mom, working long hours, not seeing him, depressed, overweight). Yes, I made mistakes, but I just couldn't pull myself out of it. Would he do it again? Maybe.
Happiness: H is not happy. I know it's not me making him unhappy. I look back and see how many things have affected him and I know that although some of our situation wasn't good, it wasn't all me that made him unhappy. He's always been selfish. As I said, I saw in me a depressed, overweight, stressed, main/ or at times only income maker, 1st time mom....etc. He saw...Sue doesn't love me because she's not initating or responding like I'd like her too. Yes, I made mistakes. I DID. But I feel like H never sat down and said....honey, what is wrong, why do you feel this way, what can I do to help? I never got that. Yes, I should have said...I NEED THIS. I did ask him to understand and give me time and patience. H's happiness has almost always come when he is made to feel very important, not by helping others feel better. There are times that I feel like I failed for not helping him feel that way, but I also know that he should have understood that life changes when you have a child. At times I feel like he acted/is acting like a spoiled child because he's not getting all the attention any more, jealous of a child he chose to bring into this world.
Yes, my H is pushing things like it's crisis time. I want to/would do anything to stay where I'm at. I cannot afford this place on my own. I would have to get a roommate or find a different place to live. Someone asked if maybe H is pushing me to leave so he can keep this place himself w/a roommmate. I honestly didn't see it that way, but yes, it's very possible. I often wondered why he was asking me if I'd looked to see if there were other units available in our building. I wonder if he's actually thinking that we could separate, but still live in the same complex! Not sure if I could handle that. I told a friend that I wouldn't be able to handle it if I saw OW coming/going or people I didn't know come/go from his place. She reminded me that the way my H is, being that close could result in late night drunk calls from him wanting more too.
Rob- I have to honestly say that your post made me stop and think about this. I didn't stop to realize how many chapters out of the MLC handbook my H had hit on until you listed them. WOW! I know it wasn't easy for you at all, so I don't say this lightly, but to see that you heard each one yourself and you're a success story makes me feel a bit better. I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up because I fear getting hurt so badly again, but it reminds me not to take what H said to me so personally. I thought of so many of you on Sat. night and so many of your posts on each other's threads when I heard H say that OW is not part of our problem and he is not part of OW's problem. That one really threw me. I asked him to honestly tell me that he wouldn't have a problem if it were me that had gotten involved with someone else while with him. He couldn't respond and turned away from me. Maybe I need some MLC literature to help me understand. Even if things don't work out, it would help me to understand why. And yes, I do need to stop letting H's moods affect me. The instant I see his mood change, my changes. My mind clicks into "what does it mean" mode.
Choc., you mentioned a week or so ago that maybe I need the counseling to help me see why I want to be with a man who is cheating, saying the things to me he says....etc. At first I have to admit, I was offended. Now, I think you're right. I do need to seriously talk to my C about me. Yes, I need help with my issues with H, but I need help with me.
NoCode- I do truly consider myself fortunate to have Rob posting on my thread. He's a tremendous help (as is everyone else).
Sheila- You probably saw the answer to your question above. I can't afford this place on my own. But thanks for bringing up the question of whether or not D3 would feel rejected if H stayed there with a roommmate.
lwb, Sara, Saffie, Yoyo, tal, Sally (hope I didn't forget anyone) - You are all so wonderful and amazing to me. lwb, I saw on your thread how you mentioned that coming to this board makes you feel better and helps to know that people understand. Sally mentioned to lwb that she's one of the most amazing people she's ever met, even if it's just been through cyberspace. Saly, you hit that on the head. My mom was confused at how I could become so close with everyone. I told her it's because we're all going through the same pain and it's comforting to know that someone else says they understands how you feel, they actually understand how you feel.
Well, I better get a few other things done. I'm off to grab D3 in 1/2 hour.
Thanks again everyone. I came to you on Sat. night for help/support and boy did you all deliver in an amazing way. That's why I come here!!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I totally understand the feeling of strength coming and going. I really do. Its ok, because eventually (for all of us) the strength will be here to stay. Your D3 will be totally fine if you do have to move to another apartment. She will have YOU, and she will have all her familiar stuff/furniture. That's what she needs.
I am glad H is treating you with respect and kindness. Who knows what the future will bring but I have learned that respect and kindness is much better then cold/bitterness.
I too am glad that H took a step back and Sunday was better. It sounds like he wants things to be amicable and is willing to work on that until he starts drinking and the anger comes out. This points to your H's problems with alchohol. Just MHO. I remember a cycle with my father that played out much the same. Distance, then drinking, then anger/verbal abuse, followed by a calm and more understanding man until the stresses of life led him to drink again. My mother enabled him and I grew up to be an enabler also. Do you remember any cycles like this when you were growing up? Just food for thought and so much that says this is not about your failures as a wife - it's about your H's struggles to be a husband and father.
The distance and adjustment to motherhood that you went through is very normal, reasonable and expected of a new mother. I have lots of opinions tonight! I don't think you failed your H after your D3 was born. I think he failed you as a husband and father. If he had stepped forward to be a partner to help, encourage and understand things wouldve been much easier for you both. It bothers me to hear you say where you let your H down because after the birth of a child a mother needs time to adjust and they also need a man who's strong enough to make it through, even if it's mostly on blind faith for awhile. Do you see what a weakness of your H's this is, and not yours? He needs the attention and when he doesn't get it, he looks elsewhere without first considering the vows he made. I'm not saying that it isn't hard for a man to understand... I'm just saying that his expectations are unreasonable, and yeah, he's selfish. He's put his efforts into making himself happy at all costs. He's giving up a very precious thing in you. You've given him the understanding and support through his personal crisis and have lived on hope for the last year. You don't have anthing to apologize for, yet you're loving enough to consider the past and are willing to change the future for your family. You deserve a man who'll do the same for you.
I hope you know how strong and wonderful you are Sue. Your friends here and especially lwb, sally, sara, etc know the road your on and wow.. they are giving some great advice/support. You're gonna be OK
I agree with Piglet. You are living with Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. He is calm and nice after the alcoholic rage, and then he starts building to the next one. This is a classic pattern, and it is not unhappiness, or your inattention or any of that other stuff. It is the life of an alcoholic.
On your worries about moving yourself and D3 to some new place, I'll tell you what I told my mother. Last year my mom sold her home, which she had been in for over forty years, and moved into an apartment with my youngest brother (until she can find a cheaper, smaller home out in the country to purchase later). She asked me at one point about selling the house my brothers and our own families had come to think of as our family "home". I told her that while that old house had a lot of memories, home truly is where the heart is. Wherever your heart is, there is your home. A house is just a building, a home is what you make of it. I said to her, "So, Mom, wherever in this world you are, that is where our home is. For me and my family. And wherever I go, wherever I stay, I intend for S7 and S3 to consider that their home too."
Sue, your DD will understand, or come to understand, that wherever you are will be her home.
Why don't you stay put and you look for a lodger? A nice quiet female who could be a positive influence on your D. Make H be the one to move - if he has the balls. Next time he starts a convo like that try and tell him you are going to place an advert; even if nothing comes of it, getting some responses/ applicants might just put the wind up him and it may well offer you the back up plan you need.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I wouldn't even bother talking/discussing with your H when he's been drinking, Sue. That might be a good rule for you to help you keep your sanity. I hope he finds AA soon, it has helped my H (at least with his drinking issues) and my brother as well. Karen43
