Yeah Michelle, I think it is good to have a balance too. Also I can't just sit around waiting for him to call me.
Thanks for the post aimhigh. The problem with talking about the A and how it affected me is that he swears nothing went on. He doesn't understand why I am so upset about it...thus the need for counseling. I just want to scream to him I AM UPSET BECAUSE YOU MOVED OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND IN WITH HER!!! Actually they got a place together, she moved out of where she was and they moved in together...but yet he doesn't get it. I try to let him know how it made me feel that he would reach out to someone else and become so close to someone else. I guess maybe I do approach it wrong...with more of a how could you attitude. I don't think I would hold the A over his head, I just need him to be open and honest about it. And what if he is being honest when he says nothing happened? He says she was like a guy friend to him. He says the only way that I will believe him is if he just says it happened, but he can't do that. He is probably right.
He did tell me he would talk about things if I had a point. He said he didn't want me to just vent to him about everything and keep bringing the same things up. But, the reason I bring the same things up is because I feel like he never answers my questions. Saturday was the first time since probably October that I have even mentioned OW. The only thing I said was that it hurt me that he put so much effort into that relationship, but in our relationship it felt like I was always the one making sacrifices and putting in the effort.
I am just so tired. I hate feeling like this is a game.
Ironically I am in the reverse position with my H in that he very nicely told me he understood I was lonely while he was deployed and that he'd totally understand if I'd had an A and that he just wanted me to tell him the truth...I was like, WTF? No!
Turns out he suspects an A with an Army buddy that I was in training with. Out of the 5 people I regularly hung out with (usually all 5 of us together too, not like I was out with this guy just the two of us all the time), H latched onto this one guy - I can only imagine because he's divorced while the other people I hung out with were either married or in serious relationships or female. But, it's the Army, it's mostly guys, so of course I have guys that I hang out with. Nothing ever happened, but I think H is telling OW that I had an A and lied about it. I am in the same position as your H where it would almost be easier to tell him I did just so he'd stop bugging me about it every 3-4 months. I was never really interested in the guy, we were always just friends and that was clear from the beginning, so it really annoys me that H brings it up and that I suspect he's using it as one of his justifications for his A.
It is very frustrating to be confronted with something that you see as totally innocent. Whether or not it was completely innocent friendship, his perspective is more what matters right now. By bringing it up and sticking to your position, you only minimize his feelings about the whole thing. I know it sucks, but maybe you can try showing/saying to your H that you understand how he feels about the whole situation. Expressing empathy does not mean you agree with his view of the whole thing, but maybe if you "bend" a little he might admit that he sees your perspective a little too?
As for his comment about you having a point, I struggle with this a lot. I justify and ramble on about my requests and often work up to them. My H hates it. By the time I get to my actual point, he's usually lost/tuned me out. I find if I think out beforehand what I really want to say and then just tell/ask him, it's much easier.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, I want to believe him, I really do. But it just doesn't add up. The phone calls, the texts, LIVING with her. It was actually three of them in the house. Another guy was with him. From what I understand those two are still living together. I do believe that you can have friends of the opposite sex without it being a romantic relationship. It is the secretive part of it that got to me.
There is a guy that I went to college with that I lived with after college for about a year. It was completely platonic. Nothing romantic at all, but he was one of my best friends. I was actually engaged to H at the time. I try to compare that relationship with this one. I can talk to this friend for hours at a time and we also email back and forth pretty much every day at work. But I don't hide any of this from H. He was hiding things, that is what makes it feel like such a betrayal.
A part of me does think he would have just admitted to it, especially when things were really bad. And they got really bad. I do think you are right about minimizing his feelings about it. Actually when I brought up OW on Saturday I said your friendship with her and he said "THANK YOU for finally calling it a friendship, that is all it was." I do need to try to keep his feelings in mind through all of this.
I know that he is tired of rehashing the same things over and over again. That is why I think we need to get into counseling. When we were in it before she helped both of us put our feelings into words and really helped us talk about things. H even said he liked going at the time. We were going together and alone. The only reason he quit was because the AF wouldn't pay for him to continue going to that counselor. They wanted him to go to someone on base and he was completely against that because he had already had a bad experience with an AF counselor. I will bring up starting again sometime soon...maybe when the job thing gets figured out.
Yeah, the secrecy thing definitely makes a huge difference. The reason H suspected this guy friend of mine was because I talked about him too much I guess. I never hid anything from my H. Although, ironically, I'm way better at keeping secrets - H totally sucks at it.
When things started to take off with Craig's List and OW though, he was hiding stuff on his computer, minimizing their chat windows, etc. He obviously felt he had something to keep secret.
Although, if she really is a complete lesbian and not bi, then it might as well have been 3 guys living in that house together other than the fact that she obviously likes to talk and listen like most women do.
My H also had BAD experiences with the military counselors and psychologists. He hated the mandatory post-deployment counseling he had to do and lied his a$$ off so he could get his "normal" stamp and get out of there faster. I think that was one reason he was so hesitant to go to MC and had this view that somehow it was about "fixing" him and since there was nothing wrong with him there was no reason to go. On a side note, did you ever look into vet center? They offer a lot of free services and I have heard WONDERFUL things about them from guys in my unit.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, he says she is a complete lesbian and he always just thought of her as one of the guys. I just really hate secrets.
On the bright side, I didn't have to give H a call today to see what he was up to...he just called me. He was asking when I could go out for dinner. My schedule is weird at work this week so he wanted to make sure I would be able to go if he made plans. He asked how long it would take me to get home and get ready. He said I would need to dress up...his words were "shirt and tie nice". I am thinking he made reservations somewhere because when I said I could go tomorrow he said let me call you right back. A few minutes later he called back and said we were all set. I am pretty excited about this and it seems he is putting some effort into it.
I told him I was going to work out tonight and asked him if he wanted to join me and he said yes. I guess that was one of the rituals that we had...so I am excited about him going with me. Not sure why I like working out with him so much, but I do.
Things are looking up today...I think we had quite a few baby steps the past couple of days.
Yay. Sounds awesome. I can't wait to see what he has planned for you.
I think working out together is a great ritual. My H got me more into weights and we were going regularly for a while. I haven't gone nearly as much since everything bombed. Those sorts of things are such fun bonding times. Must be something about getting all hot & sweaty together lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, we had a good time. H got on the machine right next to me and then we did weights. Felt like old times. There is a guy that works at the gym that knows me. He has no idea who my H is so didn't know that was him working out beside me. He came up and talked to me for a while. I saw H looking at him like who the hell are you...lol.
When we left I said "Well, I guess I will just call you when I get off work tomorrow." He looked at me like I was crazy. I said "for dinner". Again he looked at me like I was crazy. I said "tomorrow is Tuesday". He said "it is?"....man, how soon we forget. Maybe his days are screwed up since he isn't working. He kind of laughed and said "umm...I am going to have to call and confirm that". The he said no, it was fine. He said he knew we were going Tuesday, just didn't realize tomorrow was Tuesday.
I think I did a good job tonight of just hanging out and being his friend. I am looking forward to tomorrow.
