LD book recommendation?

[Dom R]

I try to explain certain things he can do that would probably help me warm up to him physically, but that ends up coming across to him as one more thing he can't get right...
[....]
If someone is dealing with a lot of insecurities, how do you think would be the best way to approach a conversation so i don't make him feel worse?

easy.

dont say he's doing anything "wrong" now.
just ask for what you want.
Keep it simple.

"I'd really like it if you did .... would you do that for me?"


even in the "things to get you warmed up" department.
maybe you need to stop explaining why you want him to do things. Even "helpful" explainations, like, "if you did this, it would help me loosen up more".
If the explainations make him feel worse... then stop explaining!
Just ask for what you want. Ask him to provide you with the things/actions/... that will make you feel good about him.

"Why should I do that?" "Just because I'd really like it." (batting eyelashes cocquettishly)

[ann25]

dont say he's doing anything "wrong" now.
just ask for what you want.
Keep it simple.

"I'd really like it if you did .... would you do that for me?"

maybe that's my problem... right now, what i tell him i want is basically a guess at what i think can help. When it doesn't work, he's like WTF... and rightfully so, since i asked him to try that.

Also, sometimes i get a response like this...

M: i'd really like it if you'd do XYZ
H: what's wrong with ABC

I normally try to say
M: It's not that there is anything wrong with ABC, just thought we could try XYZ...

he tends to take it as i'm not happy with ABC, which honestly, i'm probably not. Maybe that comes across when i say it, I'll have to pay more attention. I really just want what we had (with more sex ) and i don't know how to get back to that.

I know what i used to want, but those things now kinda kill it for me cause of the whole lack of desire/attraction thing. I feel lost.

[Dom R]

sometimes i get a response like this...

M: i'd really like it if you'd do XYZ
H: what's wrong with ABC

I normally try to say
M: It's not that there is anything wrong with ABC, just thought we could try XYZ...

he tends to take it as i'm not happy with ABC, which honestly, i'm probably not.

Then he's sabotaging your hapiness together, by digging out negativity and focusing on it.

Sounds like you have no other choice, then, but to talk to him directly about that, and ask him to stop doing that sort of thing.
You cant make things more positive between the two of you, if what he is doing, is directly working against that.

You probably will need to point out that you dont think he's doing it deliberately; but, deliberately or not, he needs to STOP focusing on the negative, and allow the both of you to enjoy positives, to allow your marriage to heal.


oh. PS:

I know what i used to want, but those things now kinda kill it for me cause of the whole lack of desire/attraction thing. I feel lost.

"Just do it"
you too, may have a "focusing on the negatives" problem.
Find something POSITIVE in "those things" for you to focus on, and do them anyway. maybe it'll help.

[Lillieperl]

My bf was like this, too.

"Let's do ABC" to him meant that I didn't like XYZ that he was doing. Any request on my part was taken as criticism of what he was doing. No kidding.

Dom, your optimism is admirable but SOMETIMES not realistic. (Note I said SOMETIMES.)

[ann25]

Okay - so just an update and a thank you to all...

I've been doing a ton of thinking and really looking at myself in regards to what I need/want and what i can do for H that he needs/wants.

I made some changes. Just basically decided to be in love with H again and told him so. Don't feel it yet, but it'll come, i know it.

Last night was one of the best nights in a long time. Thanks all for your advice and wisdom.

[Dom R]

Congratulations, and kudos to you, on making that decision.

May your husband honor you, and your decision, by reciprocating in kind

[ann25]

let's hope so.... hehe.

thanks Dom.