The End or Just the Beginning? Part 3

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Atlas, DH,

And for me, I think I am getting a look at the future. What you guys are going through now appears to be imminent for me. I just hate the thought of my kids having to endure a succession of OM's and other emotional garbage brought upon by WAW. Makes me sick to think of it.

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Chris,

It sucks, really does. Cause there is nothing you can do about it, it is out of your circle of control and only in your circle of concern.

It's true that if a person leaves the R without resolving their issues they will continue to repeat it over and over. So I can expect a lot of OM to come and go and watch my S go through this devistation. Oh but she insists she is a good parent. Ya right!

Well more suspicion confirmed. S is talking about some guy yelling at mommy about being married. I'm slowly realizing my W is as John Steinbeck put is the "people of the lie." I haven't read it but a friend said it is very interesting. Apparently it is the case he lays out that there is a god. But he goes on further to say there are really three types of people in this world and only two are trustworthy. The first are followers of God and his teachings. The second are athiests, that since they are bound by their conviction they are trustworthy. But the people of the lie are dangerous. These are people with no resolute belief or structure, thus they do what ever suits their fancy for the particular moment. Nothing they do or say is really punishable or held to any standard of being responsible for society. Rather it is a dog eat dog world and get what you can while you can. Sounds pretty close.

Maybe something to keep in mind as we may be all soon heading into the dating world once again.

[dh4320]

Atlas,

i read your post on my thread so i decided to respond on yours. As far as the seeing other women, well its a tough issue... MY C told me a marriage takes at least 1-2 years to truly get over. But for who the one who gets hurt or the one doing the hurting. Well i was the one hurt and i soaked in pain for a while but i believe i have pulled myself out quickly and i dont want to go back to that pain again. I am not going to wait a year to interact with other "single" woman, unlike W's OM im not a homewrecker hehe and no offense the the profession of counseling but even C dont have the answers to everything. You have to do what your heart tells you. I am able to hold my composer around the W and not care whether she is with OM or not anymore. Meeting other woman and seeing other woman show interest in me and tell me i was the W one and only in a lifetime catch feels awesome. Hey i m not going to have a GF or even consider a wedding for a loooooooooong time if i ever do get married again. But my point is Atlas there is nothing wrong with taken things with a beautiful woman to a friendship status, and who knows from there. Chris the kids are tough, but it is actually what made this split between the W and I easier, bc i focused on the kids not my M. try it no do it,, it needs to be that way for now..

[Atlas]

Well crap, leave it to my sponsor to kick my shorts a good one.

After asking him to show an hour early to go over the sitch. We go through the whole thing, I talk about DB'ing, which he knows what it is, and I quote "So let me get this straight, I'm a victim, I'm a victim, I'm a victim." Lol.

So he goes on to say, (this is all sponsor and me paraphrasing) W has your settlment agreement, it's open ended time wise so she could sign anytime and the M is over. She hasn't and will when she is ready if she ever is. Well your mad because of her behavior but you created this sitch with your booze. She is doing what she is doing to get attention from you, she wants you to D her, to do anything, just show attention in some way. Unfortunetly, if you do D her, you won't fix anything with her, I guarantee you will only make matters worse. A piece of paper won't help you coparent if that is where this goes. You can't control her and she may do it, so be it. But your doing nothing of the sorts. Sorry but your a pro drinker, you've proven that, but a poor lifer. You can't deal with the day to day rigors of what life tosses at you, so you have to learn that life isn't easy, and leave it to God. So your 180 will be to do nothing, but be nice, and be an excellent father. Your priorities are one, no drinking, two, your S. Three, possibly your M, but I would say it's your work for now. Then fourth your W. So lets keep that perspective. Your 180 will be to treat her kind, be nice, but not to get walked on. Give her attention only in a positive manner.

Then he goes on to say that she knew I was an alcoholic before she married me, especially if she is a drug and alcohol C'er. Says she needs Alanon, and that people that marry us are generally screwy as well. So he says she has to deal with her own crap and I just need to be supportive and continue to act M for myself and my S, but don't bother with what W does. Only point to the positives, and let the rest be.

This will show what type of person W really is. If she comes around, figures her crap out and gets into Alanon then you two are supposed to take care of this child as a family. If she keeps with her behaviors and doesn't change eventually you will be in the way enough she will D you, and that is the right thing. But you let her do it. You stay out of the way of that, and let your attorney handle it.

So that is it in a nutshell. I have to stop trying to control everything and let God do his will. W will do what she wants, and I have to keep the ducks back and learn how to cope, and let go of control. So I guess no confrontation tomorrow.

[Atlas]

Good exchange with the W today. She looked great and I told her so. She went out of her way to say thank you for getting her car unstuck yesterday. Which was nice and I said no problem and your welcome.

Told her I missed seeing her around the house, she should come by once in a while. She immediately stopped what she was doing, her hair, which is a big deal if she stopped. She smiled and said she did too. I said your welcome there anytime so don't be a stranger.

Gave her a hug, starting to become a staple when we see each other. But I'm still doing the friend, one arm over the shoulder pat the back hug. She is reaching around the waist and pulling tight. But I'll just keep doing whats working so I'm not going for a love hug yet. She was wearing the necklace again.

All positive steps. Out of the blue she did ask that I give her full custody of S. To which I dropped the smile and cheerful voice, and took a low tone. "I will not give up any parental rights to my S." I think it really shook her foundation, she kinda stepped back and looked at me like wow, he is standing up for himself.

I then went straight back into happy mode. Played with S for a minute and gave em both a goodbye hug and on my way.

Taking each day as it comes. Thats all I can do.

[dh4320]

Good job Atlas,

You use this site well you vent here, and take what you truly feel to life when in contact with your W and S thats the key... nice work...

DH

[Just_Me]

Your sponsor sounds like a smart cookie, and I like the things he laid out for you and in the order he laid them out. Obviously, you can't make any list of changes that include your wife...she's entirely responsible for those.

She is doing what she is doing to get attention from you, she wants you to D her, to do anything, just show attention in some way.

This is the only thing I disagree with. Based on what you've written before, I do not believe that she does what she does for attention from you. That's typical LBS thinking..."he/she is doing x,y, or z to gauge my reaction". While I believe her dating other guys isn't to get your attention, the reality is that unless she tells you flat out why she behaves the way she does, you have no way of knowing. Having a wife come back, I can tell you that she didn't do things to see if I was noticing. She was doing things for her own reasons and I was doing a fair amount of overinterpreting. It's just another thing you can't control. You can stay stable and on course and it should be enough for you. If it isn't enough for her, then so be it.

[Atlas]

Just_me,

Thanks for the input. My paraphrasing was poor on that point. Basically he stated that she is craving attention, from me, or from anyone. Since she feels I won't give it she is seeking it from other men. He was merely stating that she wants me to give her some attention, she is looking for something from me besides the LRT or going dark. He thinks a little pursueing may be in order just so that she knows what I want. His idea was to send just a nice text message each day saying something positive with a hello.

[Just_Me]

Yeah, she could be wanting attention from you. Or, maybe she wants attention from other guys and not from you. You'll never know unless you actually try. You should know in short order whether she wants and enjoys the attention from you. LRT isn't the answer for everybody...sometimes the spouse actually does want you to chase a bit. Do it and see how it goes. You can always draw back if it produces negatives.

[ann25]

Hey atlas... I like your sponser... hehe.

Good for you on standing upi to W about your son. I have no idea why she thinks you'd give up custody. That doesn't make sense. Anyways... Just keep doing what you are doing...

focus on you and son... God has amazing things planned for you, whether with W or not, so hang in there!!

ann