day by day

[ediemarie]

we do have a family trip planned in the end of February. I am totally waffling about this now

I meant you and the girls going away on your own without H. He keeps saying (by his actions) that what he wants is a D. His mouth says one thing, but his actions are so contrary. I used to waffle back and forth about this in my own sitch - h's action said one thing, words another. It ends up creating a power struggle in your marriage: you trying to fix things (because H *says* one thing) and H pulling away through his actions. I was thinking that if you left for awhile - even for a long weekend, it will give you some rest from the power struggle, and would provide distance between you and your H. He needs to be given what he is asking for (i'm not talking about filing for divorce, just providing him with tons of space, physcially, mentally, etc). I don't think he will be able to see the error of his ways until he gets a real taste of his new life.

I don't believe that your H truly wants a divorce. I believe, like Saffie, that he wants a restored marriage and this is a cry for help. He wants to love you. He wants to be with you. His actions of not leaving when he could very easily go live with his Dad speak to this. But I think he is in a no-win situation. If he stays and works through this stuff, he's got tons of work to do. If he goes, he loses his wife (who he wants to love and does love) and his kids. What choice is he to make? He created this mess, he knows that. He is wallowing in this mess because he can't find the path out of it. He can't listen to you direct him because you're angry and rightfully so and he probably doubts what you say (not because you've given him cause to, but because he f'd up majorly). He has no choice but to own this problem and fix it himself. I don't know if leaving for a weekend would provide him with some time or not to reflect and gather himself together, but it might. And it might provide you the same...